A Mencken Chrestomathy

Theology — An effort to explain the unknowable by putting it into terms of the not worth knowing.

Jury — A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

When women kiss, it always reminds one of prize-fighters shaking hands.

Lawyer — One who protects us against robbers by taking away the temptation.

Q: If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United States, then why do you live here?

A: Why do men go to zoos?

Creator — A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

If x is the population of the United States and y is the degree of imbecility of the average American, then democracy is the theory that x × y is less than y.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Jealousy is the theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

A man who has throttled a bad impulse has at least some consolation in his agonies, but a man who has throttled a good one is in a bad way indeed.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

A man may be a fool and not know it — but not if he is married.

Misogynist — A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

The lunatic fringe wags the underdog.

Wealth — Any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

Sunday — A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

In every unbeliever's heart there is an uneasy feeling that, after all, he may awake after death and find himself immortal. This is his punishment for his unbelief. This is the agnostic's Hell.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

The theory seems to be that so long as a man is a failure he is one of God's chillun, but that as soon as he has any luck he owes it to the Devil.

We are here and it is now: further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.

Platitude — An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

Immorality is the morality of those who are having a better time. You will never convince the average farmer's mare that the late Maud S. was not dreadfully immoral.

Remorse — Regret that one waited so long to do it.

Truth — Something somehow discreditable to someone.

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Historian — An unsuccessful novelist.

The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Self-respect — The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

Christian — One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.

Judge — A law student who marks his own examination-papers.

Nature abhors a moron.