Woody Allen

With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.

She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.

Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep.

Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Is anything in nature actually "perfect" with the exception of my Uncle Hyman's stupidity? Who am I to demand perfection? I, with my myriad faults. I made a list of my faults, but could not get past: 1) Sometimes forgets his hat.