H.L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

In every unbeliever's heart there is an uneasy feeling that, after all, he may awake after death and find himself immortal. This is his punishment for his unbelief. This is the agnostic's Hell.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

The theory seems to be that so long as a man is a failure he is one of God's chillun, but that as soon as he has any luck he owes it to the Devil.

We are here and it is now: further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.

Platitude — An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

Immorality is the morality of those who are having a better time. You will never convince the average farmer's mare that the late Maud S. was not dreadfully immoral.

A novelty loses nothing by the fact that it is a novelty; it rather gains something, and particularly if it meets the national fancy for the terse, the vivid, and, above all, the bold and imaginative.

Remorse — Regret that one waited so long to do it.

Truth — Something somehow discreditable to someone.

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.