H.L. Mencken

Historian — An unsuccessful novelist.

The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Self-respect — The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

Christian — One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.

Judge — A law student who marks his own examination-papers.

Philadelphia is the most pecksniffian of American cities, and thus probably leads the world.

Nature abhors a moron.