Quotes about humor

You scrimped and saved to send them to the best schools, and then they went and paid you back by getting educated. (p. 100)

Career criminals and philosophers have a surprising amount in common - they are both at odds with society, they both live uncompromisingly by their own rules, and they both make really lousy parent figures.

That's the wonderful thing about democracy: you can hold public office legitimately while still being despised by 49.9 percent of the suspicious eyes on the street.

I believe that inequality is not the product of capitalism but the product of the fact that in a group of two men and one woman, one of the men will be taller and will have straighter teeth than the other, and he'll get the woman. Thus I believe that economics isn't the basis of inequality, straight teeth are!

The world is full of people who, if they got to Heaven, would complain about the tune of the harps and the dampness of the clouds.

It's so rare that people give you real, practical advice. Normally they say things like "Don't worry," and "Everything will be OK," which is not only impractical, it's exasperating, and you have to wait until they're diagnosed with a terminal disease before you can say it back to them with any pleasure.

I once read that the Devil studied Basque for seven years and only learned two words.

They are a highly individualistic people and still experience many frictions living in a centralized society. Despite several centuries of advanced civilization, most Gtetans look upon the Law as a delightful problem in circumvention rather than as a way of life.

“Wh-who are you? And what do you want?”

“Joseph Burns, a poor but honest newspaperman.” He considered for a moment. “Well, poor, anyway.”

But now he had to have another look. It might not be so bad the second time. “It’s always darkest,” he told himself with determined triteness, “before the dawn.” And then found himself involuntarily adding, “Except on days when there’s an eclipse.”

"To fool a judge, feign fascination, but to bamboozle the whole court, feign boredom."

Whoever opined "Money can't buy you happiness" obviously had far too much of the stuff.