Syrup

“You.” He stares at me for a second, then shakes his head. “You told me the truth.”

I don’t know what to say. “Yeah.”

“Scat,” he says, a pained expression on his face, “haven’t you learned anything?”

mktg case study #13: mktg magazines

GIVE AWAY FREE CRAP (PREFERABLY ADVERTISER-SUPPLIED FREE CRAP). DOESN’T MATTER HOW WORTHLESS OR USELESS IT IS: SALES WILL RISE. STRANGE BUT TRUE.

“It’s all responsibility and no control,” 6 says. “The classic path to failure.”

The whole morning feels very strange until I realize that for the first time in a long while, 6 and I don’t have anything to do. We have the whole weekend to kill: no deadlines, no last-minute struggles, no panic. It almost feels illegal.

“Your problem is that reality isn’t good enough for you.” she says levelly. “You need a fantasy.”

There’s nothing more fascinating than a girl who won’t have sex with you.

“Look, how about this: just once, don’t assume every person you meet has a personal vendetta against you.”

6 frowns at her drink. “That’s not a sound strategy.”

mktg case study #9: mktg lies

OCCASIONALLY, JUST OF COURSE, YOUR COMPANY WILL BE CAUGHT IN A LIE. THIS IS NOT GOOD. IF POSSIBLE, IMMEDIATELY FIRE SOMEONE EXPENDABLE AND PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE. IF NOT, YOU MUST STICK TO THE LIE. PERCEPTION IS REALITY.

“Reversing gender stereotypes doesn’t eliminate them,” 6 says, tossing the bacon. “You just create a whole new set of prejudices.”

“Art and marketing can’t coexist,” Tina says. “It’s either one or the other.”

“Not this again,” 6 says from the sofa.

Tina ignores her. “I made the film for you with the intention of appealing to a bunch of corporate suits. That I used artistic techniques to do it is irrelevant.”

“Just because it’s aimed at a particular market means it’s not art?” I say.

Tina nods once. “Exactly.”

I frown. “What if I take a work of art and market it? It’s still art, right?”

“You can’t take artwork and just tweak it to be more commercially appealing.” She sips at her beer. “Not without destroying its artistic merit.”

“Tina, this is so crap,” 6 says, standing up. “If I showed you a painting but didn’t tell you whether it was created by a starving artist or an agency commissioned to produce it, you couldn’t tell me whether it was art or not.”

“Oh, I think I’d be able to tell,” Tina says.

6 shifts impatiently. “Who cares what the intent was? It’s the result that matters.”

“The intent is not divorceable from the result,” Tina says. “I know you people don’t want to face that, but it’s true.”

“You don’t want to face the fact that marketing is the greatest producer of art on the planet. There’s packaging, copy, TV advertising—can you tell me why that’s not art?”

“If you can’t make that distinction yourself, I won’t be able to explain it to you.”

“Oh, right,” 6 says, “you think some hack’s poems that no one ever reads are more important than movie half the world sees? A lot more people have seen a Coke can than a van Gogh.”

“I’ve noticed you corporate people do this,” Tina says. “Confuse popularity with quality.”

“It’s a democratic society, Tina,” 6 says. “Your opinion of what’s quality is no more valid than mine. Popularity is quality. And so marketers are today’s real artists.”

“Drink, anyone?” I say.

mktg case study #8: mktg groceries [2]

USE LARGE SPECIAL! TAGS ON GOODS WITHOUT REDUCING THEIR PRICE. PRACTICE THE LINE: “OUR COMPANY FEELS THAT THE WORD SPECIAL IN NO WAY IMPLIES A CONNECTION WITH PRICE.”

I learned pretty early in my career as an agent to be friendly to utter jerks; it’s an essential skill.

“She’s such a bitch,” Tina says, which I find a little contradictory, but overall quite true. “She’s got to be in charge of everything.”

I sit next to her. “Well, I guess. But in business, that’s leadership.”

Tina stares at me for a second. “I can’t believe you consider that a positive trait. How about her inability to accept other points of view? Is it good leadership to be narrow, too?”

“Focus,” I say. “They call that focus.”

Tina stares at me. “Her paranoia?”

“Business savvy.”

“Compulsive need to have everything just how she wants it?”

“Organizational skills.”

“Aggressiveness?”

“Aggressiveness,” I say, “is already a good thing.”

“Jesus Christ,” Tina says, her eyebrow ring glinting in the morning sun. “Sometimes I worry about this country.”

mktg case study #6: mktg cigarettes

FOR A PRODUCT THAT KILLS ITS CUSTOMERS, THIS IS PRETTY EASY. FOR ONE THING, YOU ONLY NEED TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO START BUYING. BUT THE BEST PART IS THAT YOU GET TO DEFEND THE ACT OF SELLING A PRODUCT YOUR CUSTOMERS CAN’T STOP BUYING BY CLAIMING THEY HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE. BEFORE EACH MARKETING CAMPAIGN, PRACTICE THE LINE: “IT IS NOT THE POLICY OF OUR COMPANY TO DICTATE THE LIFESTYLE OF OUR CUSTOMERS.”

6 says, “Tina’s doing an arts degree.”

“Oh?” I say, as if the eyebrow ring, blond hair with a streak of black and oppressive eye makeup hadn’t tipped me off.

“Oh, let me guess,” Tina says. “He’s a marketer.”

“Hi,” I say.

…“I hope they pay you well for strangling the youth of this country with cultural conformity.”

“White coke?”

“It’s a trial product.”

“Wow, sounds cool. What does it taste like?”

“Coke,” 6 says.

“Well, yeah,” I say, “but how is it different to, say, Classic Coke?”

“It’s in a different can,” 6 says.

I wait, but 6 just looks at me. “What, that’s it?”

“No,” she says. “It will also cost twice as much.” She pours herself a Pepsi. “We’re after a more upmarket niche.”

“You really expect people to pay double for a white can?” I ask, astounded. “When it tastes exactly the same?”

6 aims a chiseled frown at me. “I didn’t say it tastes exactly the same. I said it is exactly the same.”

To get a good job in marketing, you need to market yourself.

It’s much easier to be incomprehensible than intelligent, and most people can’t spot the difference.

Marketing (or mktg, which is what you write when you’re taking lecture notes at two hundred words per minute) is the biggest industry in the world, and it’s invisible. It’s the planet’s largest religion, but the billions who worship it don’t know it. It’s vast, insidious and completely corrupt.

Marketing is like LA. It’s like a gorgeous, brainless model in LA. A gorgeous, brainless model on cocaine having sex drinking Perrier in LA. That’s the best way I know how to describe it.

I note that as in all large corporations that loudly subscribe to equal opportunity and employment based solely on skill, the receptionist is young, female and gorgeous.

mktg case study #2: mktg cola

NEVER, NEVER DISCUSS TASTE. TASTE IS 90 PERCENT PSYCHOLOGICAL AND IT DOESN’T SELL COLA; IT’S ROUGHLY A TENTH AS IMPORTANT AS IMAGE. THERE HAVE BEEN STUDIES.

I’m very interested in what sort of car she’s driving because I think it will reveal some insight into her personality. After all, I don’t have a car at all, and that reveals plenty about me.

mktg case study #3: mktg shampoo

PICK A RANDOM CHEMICAL IN YOUR PRODUCT AND HEAVILY PROMOTE ITS PRESENCE. WHEN YOUR CUSTOMERS SEE “NOW WITH BENZOETHYLHYDRATES!” THEY WILL ASSUME THAT THIS IS A GOOD THING.

The first principle of marketing (okay, it’s not the first, but it doesn’t sound nearly as cool to say it’s the third) is this: Perception is reality. You see, a long time ago, some academic came up with the idea that reality doesn’t actually exist. Or at least, if it does, no one can agree what it is. Because of perception.

Perception is the filter through which we view the world, and most of the time it’s a handy thing to have: it generalizes the world so we can deduce that a man who wears an Armani suit is rich, or that a man who wears an Armani suit and keeps saying “Isn’t this some Armani suit” is a rich asshole. But perception is a faulty mechanism. Perception is unreliable and easily distracted, subject to a thousand miscues and misinformation…like marketing. If anyone found a way to actually distinguish perception from reality, the entire marketing industry would crumble into the sea overnight.