Kyril Bonfiglioli

You will learn nothing of importance from this story except, perhaps, how to die; but then, you were born knowing that and in any case it only has to be done once. It is easy: ask anyone who has done it.

A moral coward, you see, is simply someone who has read the fine print on the back of his Birth Certificate and seen the little clause which says "You can't win."

I have this heavy addiction to life and I'm told that the withdrawal symptoms are shocking.

To be on foot in the United States is only immoral, not illegal.

Sleep slunk up like a black panther and sank its kindly fangs into what remained of the Mortdecai brain.

He had made one mistake in an otherwise flawless performance: he hadn't told me his name. Have you ever exchanged three words with an American without being told his name?

"Goodness," I babbled, "but how awful for you. Not drinking, I mean. I mean, imagine getting up in the morning knowing that you're not going to feel any better all day".

Why do people build houses to keep the climate out, then cut holes in the walls to let it in again? I shall never understand.

Ten minutes later I was in an enormous taxi-cab, an air-conditioned one, hired for the day for fifty dollars; it seems an awful lot, I know, but money's worth awfully little over there, you'd be surprised. It's because there's so much of it, you see.