Quotes about humor

A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.

If heredity were not overwhelmingly more important than environment, you could teach calculus to a horse.

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: “Of course it is none of my business but — ” is to place a period after the word “but.” Don’t use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

Latin is majestic, especially when you don’t understand it.

I spent my boyhood the way every boy does — trying to keep my elders from finding out what I was up to.

There’s no virtue in being old, it just takes a long time.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the earth — but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.

“Common sense?”

“Son, that phrase is self-contradictory. ‘Sense’ is never ‘common.’”

A capsule description of most human “progress”: By the time you learn how, it’s too late.