Quotes about humor

It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.

After spending a week in Cape Town, finding that they overcharged me at the hotel, and having seen everything there was to see, including the botanical gardens, which seem to me likely to confer a great benefit on the country, and the new Houses of Parliament, which I expect will do nothing of the sort, I determined to go back to Natal.

My first words, as I was being born... I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm coming out one of those."

I know the military. The sooner they can kick a problem upstairs the happier they will be.

Let me face bare-handed a dozen highly trained and fully armed gladiators, each with a personal grudge against me, than a lawyer with a single pointed question.

[T]he Kirk of Scotland as at present guidit […] is a kind o' Papery wi' fifty Papes instead o' ane.

"Just for the record, the weather today is partly suspicious with chances of betrayal.”

"Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit."

The reform of a college English department cuts no ice down at the corner garage.

As Flitch dryly remarked when Greybeard commented on the graveyard, “Ah, they keep a-planting of ’em, but there ain’t any more of ’em growing up.”

“Are you a religious man, Joe?”

Flitch pulled a face. “I leaves that sort of thing to women.”

Let’s have a toast—to the future generation of consumers, however many heads or assholes they have!