Quotes about humor

It is often stated that of all the theories proposed in this century, the silliest is quantum theory. In fact, some say that the only thing that quantum theory has going for it is that it is unquestionably correct.

What I’m really wondering is why notices were posted and invitations sent out at all: If it’s a psychics’ convention, shouldn’t everyone just know where and when to meet?

"Killer asteroids are nature's way of asking, 'How's that space program coming along?'" - Anonymous

I'm a libertine, but it's not my specialty.

[about the woman who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot] We have trouble convicting people who confess to murder, but this woman is able to take three mil off of McDonald's? If the judge had any common sense, the trial should have gone like this: "Will the defendant please rise? Yeah, it's your fault. You're stupid. Coffee is supposed to be hot. Why didn't you blow on it before you chugged it down like a pledge having his first beer? Get out of my courtroom you stupid, stupid woman. Take your pinstriped parasite lawyer with you. Next case!"

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel."

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

"Indeed Bugg. is it because, do you think, at the human core, we are naught but liars and cheats?"

"Probably."

"With no hope of ever overcoming our instinctive nastiness?"

"Hard to say. How have we done so far?"

Wise words are like arrows flung at your forehead. What do you do? Why, you duck of course.