Kurt Vonnegut

Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be.

You know, the truth can be really powerful stuff. You're not expecting it.

Some of the loudest, most proudly ignorant guessing in the world is going on in Washington today. Our leaders are sick of all the solid information that has been dumped on humanity by research and scholarship and investigative reporting. They think that the whole country is sick of it, and they could be right. It isn't the gold standard that they want to put us back on. They want something even more basic. They want to put us back on the snake-oil standard.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

Old Norwegian Proverb: Swedes have short dicks but long memories.

Humor is an almost physiological response to fear.

During the Vietnam War, Abbie Hoffman announced that the new high was banana peels taken rectally. So then FBI scientists stuffed banana peels up their asses to find out if this was true or not.

Don't spoil the party, but here's the truth: We have squandered our planet's resources, including air and water, as though there were no tomorrow, so now there isn't going to be one.

So there goes the Junior Prom, but that's not the half of it.

His plan? To pass out weapons to slaves, so they could overthrow their masters. Suicide.

I think that novels that leave out technology misrepresent life as badly as Victorians misrepresented life by leaving out sex.

I wish one and all long and happy lives, no matter what may become of them afterwards. Use sunscreen! Don't smoke cigarettes. Cigars, however, are good for you … Firearms are also good for you … Gunpowder has zero fat and zero cholesterol. That goes for dumdums, too.

If God were alive today, he would have to be an atheist, because the excrement has hit the air-conditioning big time, big time.