You've Found Oliver

I've made some mistakes in this timeline. But there's one I have to fix before going back.

"If the astronomy thing doesn't work out, you would be a great chef," I tell him and take another sip of coffee. "You know what they say... whether a poet looks through a pantry or telescope, he always sees the same thing." "Is that a real quote?" "I might have revised it a little." He smiles. "And what's it supposed to mean, exactly?" "It means you see the possibility in things," I say confidently. "Regardless of what you do. Everything's a universe, if you really think about it. "I like that," he says, nodding. "Maybe you should major in philosophy." "Don't know if I'm smart enough for that." "I think you're smarter than you think you are." I don't say anything back because I'm not used to hearing people say this about me.

He leans back, taking me in again. "I don't think I got your name, by the way." I smile. "Oliver. And you?" "I'm Ben." "Ben," I say, mostly to myself. "I've always liked that name."

It's a whirlwind of a school week. I'm trying to pin down my schedule as I sit through my old classes. I never thought I'd have to memorize the geologic time scale again. I don't remember where any of my notes are. Is it really possible I'm stuck here? And I have to take all my finals again? I was freaking out about that, but some things have started to come back to me. Like memories, filling the gaps in my head. Maybe it's not the end of the world if I stay. Who wouldn't want to redo the last six months of their life? Especially if it means being closer to someone you love.

I was hoping he might ask me to come back with him. We only get to see each other once a week. Why should we waste the rest of the night? The snow has stopped when we come outside. Ben turns on the radio as we drive down the highway. The time honestly flies by when we're together, singing along to the music. We park the car across the street and walk up to his apartment. I change into one of his shirts while he grabs me some water from the kitchen. The Polaroid of me is still there on the wall. There's no television in Ben's room. He takes out his laptop and picks a movie for us to watch. Of course, we're not really paying close attention to it. I'm too busy appreciating how soft his hands are. He looks so beautiful in the glow of the streetlight outside his window. I take in the contours of his face, the waves in his hair, the scent of cologne that lingers on his tan skin. I want to memorize every feature, in case everything vanishes in the morning. Ben kisses my forehead. Then, slowly, he moves his lips to mine. After, he reaches over me and closes the blinds. He lays his head on me and we fall asleep together.

There's a quote from The Poetics of Space that sticks with me. Professor Clarke wrote it on the board the last day of class.

It is better to live in a state of impermanence than in one of finality. -Gaston Bachelard

I've been thinking about this more lately, especially as I look back on my life. As much as we want to, we can't control time or keep it from moving forward. Maybe there's something beautiful about that, living with the uncertainty of what's to come. You never know what possibilities will be born out of it. But some things will always be certain. Like the sun rising in the morning. Or the leaves falling in the autumn and the cherry blossoms returning in the spring. That he and I will always be connected. And who knows? Maybe we'll see each other again in twenty-nine years, when the comet passes once more, sending streaks of light across the sky.

I hope he still remembers me then.

I wish we could spend every day together. I don't want to keep waking up without him. This must be what it feels like to fall in love without saying the word. The way he stares at me says he's thinking the same. I don't know why we were connected this way, but I like to believe there's a reason for it. Maybe we're part of some cosmic story, stretching throughout the universe. I just hope it has a good ending.

I'm not sure what's different this time. I return the touch, running my fingers along his arm. Then we smile at each other. I've never seen him in the morning glow before.

We finish breakfast, but we stay at the table, enjoying each other's company. Of course, I don't want to intrude on his entire day. Ben has several assignments that are due this week. His notes are spread out across the coffee table. But it feels like the universe gave us extra time. Maybe we shouldn't let it go to waste.

The moment is gone now. I just smile at him and say, "Don't worry about it. I'll tell you another time." "I'm really sorry about this. I'll text you when I get home, okay?" "You're not coming back?" Sam frowns. "Probably not. Julie's over an hour away, and I still need to drop her off." "That really sucks." "I know. We'll hang out this weekend though. I promise."

As we hug goodbye, I get this strange feeling in my chest. I don't know how to explain it. But it makes me want to hold on to him a little longer. The feeling stays with me as I watch him walk away. I didn't know that would be the last time I saw him. That there wouldn't be a later for us. That I would wait up all night for a text that was never coming. That I lost him. And I didn't even know it.