Christopher G. Moore

Quotes

1. King Lear: How hath my fool offended?

   Regan: He hath shagged me roughly, against my will, and finished too soon.

   King Lear: By force- Pocket? He isn't eight-stone on a feast day- he couldn't shag a cat by force.

   Pocket: That's not true, sire. If the cat is distracted with a trout, then - well, uh, never mind.

2. 

   King Lear: What is your name?

   Kent / Caius: Caius.

   King Lear: And whence do you hale?

   Kent / Caius: From Bonking, Sire.

   King Lear: Well, yes, lad as do we all.

3. 

   Cordelia: You honor us, Fool. Did you hear rumors of small animals to hurt or were you hoping to accidentally surprise me in my bath again?

   Pocket: I was lost, Milady.

   Cordelia: A dozen times?

4. 

   This book you've read is just a story. I made it up. It is not designed to change anyone's beliefs or worldview, unless after reading it you've decided to be kinder to your fellow humans (which is okay), or you decide you really would like to teach yoga to an elephant, in which case, please get videotape.

5. 

   You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.

6. 

   And so that is the story of how St. Rufus of Pipewrench was licked to death by marmots.

7. 

   When the oil of the lamp is used up the wanker shall light his own way to salvation.

8. 

   Gentle spook, if it is a warning you bring, state it true. If action you require, ask outright. If music you must make, play on- but by the wine-stained balls of Bacchus, speak your bloody business quick and clear and then be gone, before Time's iron tongue licks away my mercy bonk with second thoughts!

9. 

   Mary: You can read?

   Pocket: I was raised in a nunnery, wench. I'm a walking library of learning bound in comely leather, suitable for stroking at your service, should you fancy a bit of culture to go with your lack of breeding...or vice verse of course.

10. 

    Fancy a spot of stony bonking before vespers?

11. 

    Regan: Smell him. He reeks of sex, like fish and mushroom and sweat, doesn't he?

    Pocket: Aye, your honor, I'm sure I have an odor about me. I must confess, I was sans trou today in the kitchen, while awaiting my laundry. Bubble had left a casserole out on the floor to cool, and it did trip me and I fell prick-deep in gravy and goo- but I was on my way to chapel at the time.

    King Lear: [To Pocket] You put your dick in my lunch?

    King Lear: [to the bailiff] The fool put his dick in my lunch?

    Regan: No, in your beloved daughter.

    King Lear: Quiet, girl! Captain Curran, send a guard to watch the bread and the cheese before the fool has his way with it.

12. 

    I fink I gots deaf on me willie.