Quotes about humor

I’ve been thinking with my guts since I was fourteen years old, and, frankly, I think my guts have shit for brains.

Then I lost it. Kinda lost it all, you know. Faith, dignity, about fifteen pounds.

By the early seventies I had become an Englishman — that is to say, I hated England just as much as half my compatriots seemed to do.

I have always thought that a wild animal never looks so well as when some obstacle of pronounced durability is between us. A personal experience has intensified rather than diminished that idea.

"Why did you fail me? I didn't do nothing!" The reply, of course, is: "That's just it."

I had used my sense of humor; I had called it proportion, perspective. But perspective is distance.

The clerical work is par for the course. "Keep on file in numerical order" means throw in wastebasket. You'll soon learn the language. "Let it be a challenge to you" means you're stuck with it; "interpersonal relationships" is a fight between kids; "ancillary civic agencies for supportive discipline" means call the cops; "Language Arts Dept." is the English office; "literature based on child's reading level and experiential background" means that's all they've got in the Book Room; "non-academic-minded" is a delinquent; and "It has come to my attention" means you're in trouble.

Mythology is studied in the school system because most of us come from it.

The ceiling fell? The ink ran dry? A student dared to smile?

Of every new disaster

I prove myself the master

By sending out more circulars, more circulars to file!

A missing kid? A kissing kid? A paper on the floor?

For every major crisis

One remedy suffices:

More circulars, more circulars, to put into a drawer!A crowded cafeteria?

A substitute's hysteria?

A visitor from Syria?

A missing Book Receipt?I merely send out circulars

To add to other circulars

To add to other circulars

Numerical and neat!

I am nothing but a bundle of nerves dressed up to look like a man.

My hour for tea is half-past five, and my buttered toast waits for nobody.

We had our breakfasts--whatever happens in a house, robbery or murder, it doesn't matter, you must have your breakfast.