Quotes about humor

Scientists are a friendly, atheistic, hard-working, beer-drinking lot whose minds are preoccupied with sex, chess and baseball when they are not preoccupied with science.

Hindus, in their capacity for love, are indeed hairless Christians, just as Muslims, in the way they see God in everything, are bearded Hindus, and Christians, in their devotion to God, are hat-wearing Muslims.

He’s so doggone narrow-minded he could look through a keyhole with both eyes.

After a momentary silence spake

Some Vessel of a more ungainly Make;

"They sneer at me for leaning all awry:

What! did the Hand then of the Potter shake?"

"Why," said another, "Some there are who tell

Of one who threatens he will toss to Hell

The luckless Pots he marr'd in making--Pish!

"He's a Good Fellow, and 'twill all be well."

Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before

I swore — but was I sober when I swore?

And then and then came Spring, and Rose-in-hand

My thread-bare Penitence apieces tore.

And strange to tell, among that Earthen Lot

Some could articulate, while others not:

And suddenly one more impatient cried —

"Who is the Potter, pray, and who the Pot?"

You know, my Friends, with what a brave Carouse

I made a Second Marriage in my house;

Divorced old barren Reason from my Bed

And took the Daughter of the Vine to Spouse.

Ah, but my Computations, People say,

Reduced the Year to better reckoning? — Nay

'Twas only striking from the Calendar

Unborn To-morrow, and dead Yesterday.

I'm always making a comeback but nobody ever tells me where I've been.

If they had lawyers instead of teeth, they’d be as bad as people.

If you were half as funny as think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you really are.