# Quotes about humor

- Quotes: 215
- Authors: 21
- Topic page: https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor

## Quotes

> Humor is a survival tool.

[Erica Jong](https://www.leafyquotes.com/erica-jong.md) · [How to Save Your Own Life](https://www.leafyquotes.com/erica-jong/how-to-save-your-own-life.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/erica-jong/how-to-save-your-own-life/humor-is-a-survival.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The truth is, as I have said, that in this sense the two qualities of fun and seriousness have nothing whatever to do with each other, they are no more comparable than black and triangular. Mr. Bernard Shaw is funny and sincere. Mr. George Robey is funny and not sincere. Mr. McCabe is sincere and not funny. The average Cabinet Minister is not sincere and not funny.

[G. Chesterton](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton.md) · [Heretics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics/the-truth-is.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [honesty](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/honesty.md)

> There are three distinct classes of great satirists who are also great men—that is to say, three classes of men who can laugh at something without losing their souls. The satirist of the first type is the man who, first of all enjoys himself, and then enjoys his enemies. In this sense he loves his enemy, and by a kind of exaggeration of Christianity he loves his enemy the more the more he becomes an enemy. He has a sort of overwhelming and aggressive happiness in his assertion of anger; his curse is as human as a benediction. Of this type of satire the great example is Rabelais.

[G. Chesterton](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton.md) · [Heretics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics/there-are-three.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Mr. McCabe thinks that I am not serious but only funny, because Mr. McCabe thinks that funny is the opposite of serious. Funny is the opposite of not funny, and of nothing else. The question of whether a man expresses himself in a grotesque or laughable phraseology, or in a stately and restrained phraseology, is not a question of motive or of moral state, it is a question of instinctive language and self-expression.

[G. Chesterton](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton.md) · [Heretics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics/mr-mccabe-thinks.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In short, Mr. McCabe is under the influence of a primary fallacy which I have found very common in men of the clerical type. Numbers of clergymen have from time to time reproached me for making jokes about religion; and they have almost always invoked the authority of that very sensible commandment which says, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." Of course, I pointed out that I was not in any conceivable sense taking the name in vain. To take a thing and make a joke out of it is not to take it in vain. It is, on the contrary, to take it and use it for an uncommonly good object. To use a thing in vain means to use it without use. But a joke may be exceedingly useful; it may contain the whole earthly sense, not to mention the whole heavenly sense, of a situation. And those who find in the Bible the commandment can find in the Bible any number of the jokes.

[G. Chesterton](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton.md) · [Heretics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics/in-short-mr-mccabe.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [religion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/religion.md)

> For (if I may pursue the too flattering parallel) Mr. McCabe thinks of the Alhambra and of my articles as two very odd and absurd things, which some special people do (probably for money) in order to amuse him. But if he had ever felt himself the ancient, sublime, elemental, human instinct to dance, he would have discovered that dancing is not a frivolous thing at all, but a very serious thing. He would have discovered that it is the one grave and chaste and decent method of expressing a certain class of emotions. And similarly, if he had ever had, as Mr. Shaw and I have had, the impulse to what he calls paradox, he would have discovered that paradox again is not a frivolous thing, but a very serious thing. He would have found that paradox simply means a certain defiant joy which belongs to belief. I should regard any civilization which was without a universal habit of uproarious dancing as being, from the full human point of view, a defective civilization. And I should regard any mind which had not got the habit in one form or another of uproarious thinking as being, from the full human point of view, a defective mind. It is vain for Mr. McCabe to say that a ballet is a part of him. He should be part of a ballet, or else he is only part of a man. It is in vain for him to say that he is "not quarrelling with the importation of humour into the controversy." He ought himself to be importing humour into every controversy; for unless a man is in part a humorist, he is only in part a man. To sum up the whole matter very simply, if Mr. McCabe asks me why I import frivolity into a discussion of the nature of man, I answer, because frivolity is a part of the nature of man. If he asks me why I introduce what he calls paradoxes into a philosophical problem, I answer, because all philosophical problems tend to become paradoxical. If he objects to my treating of life riotously, I reply that life is a riot. And I say that the Universe as I see it, at any rate, is very much more like the fireworks at the Crystal Palace than it is like his own philosophy. About the whole cosmos there is a tense and secret festivity—like preparations for Guy Fawkes' day. Eternity is the eve of something. I never look up at the stars without feeling that they are the fires of a schoolboy's rocket, fixed in their everlasting fall.

[G. Chesterton](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton.md) · [Heretics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/g-chesterton/heretics/for-if-i-may.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [human nature](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/human-nature.md)

> And they beheld Him even Him, ben Bloom Elijah, amid clouds of angels ascend to the glory of the brightness at an angle of fortyfive degrees over Donohoe's in Little Green Street like a shot off a shovel.

[James Joyce](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce.md) · [Ulysses](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses/and-they-beheld.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> But O, oblige me by taking away that knife. I can't look at the point of it. It reminds me of Roman history.

[James Joyce](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce.md) · [Ulysses](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses/but-o-oblige.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Come forth Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job.

[James Joyce](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce.md) · [Ulysses](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses/come-forth-lazarus.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Monsieur de la Palisse, Stephen sneered, was alive fifteen minutes before his death.

[James Joyce](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce.md) · [Ulysses](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses/monsieur-de-la-palisse.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> You know Manningham's story of the burgher's wife who bade Dick Burbage to her bed after she had seen him in Richard III and how Shakespeare, overhearing, without more ado about nothing, took the cow by the horns and, when Burbage came knocking at the gate, answered from the capon's blankets: William the conqueror came before Richard III.

[James Joyce](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce.md) · [Ulysses](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-joyce/ulysses/you-know-manninghams.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> There is one thing about Fiddlers Three, though, that held my attention all through the evening: Try as I might I could only discern two fiddlers. p. 42

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/there-is-one.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> And you remember, Rabbi Wise has declared, in a heated moment, that our plays seem to be written for the hosiery buyers. If Dr. Wise had only witnessed our new summer reviews, he doubtless would have amended his statement to “read by the hosiery buyers.” p.89

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/and-you-remember.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> So seeing that there is nothing further to say, I shall go right on talking about The Circle, thus proving that I am a born reviewer of plays. p. 256

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/so-seeing-that.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Mr. Hodge plays with his accustomed ease, even carrying the thing so far as to repeat many of his lines with his eyes shut; and in a pretty spirit of reciprocity, many members of the audience sit through the play with their eyes shut. p. 175

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/mr-hodge-plays.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> You know how a play in dialect is. At the first act, you think, "How quaint!"; at the second act, you wish they would either stop using dialect or keep quiet; and at the third act, you wish you hadn't come. And Tillie, may I mention in passing, has four acts. p. 64

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/you-know-how.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Rockliffe Fellowes gives a likable performance of the secondary crook's rôle, and there are some decidedly agreeable-looking doughnuts consumed in the first act. And that is about all one can say for Pot Luck. p. 260

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/rockliffe-fellowes-gives.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Of course, there are many things to be said for the afternoon performance, chief among them being that it cuts in so generously on one's work. p. 201

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/of-course-there.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The murdered man meets his death in an intriguing and novel manner, which the management asks its customers, as a personal favor, not to reveal to possible future audiences. It remains a secret, chummily shared by those that have seen the play and the four or five million who read it in its original form as a Saturday Evening Post story a year or so ago. p. 320

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/the-murdered-man.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The musical comedies of the month are She’s a Good Fellow and The Lady in Red, both of which owe their book and lyrics to Anne Caldwell—evidently a native of New York, judged by the casualness with which she rhymes “teacher” and “reach a.” p. 82

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/the-musical-comedies.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [words](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/words.md)

> Naturally, you know how you would feel on setting out to see a performance of Aucassin and Nicolette done by a company of little ones; you would strive to hurl yourself beneath the wheels of a friendly truck, on your way to the theatre. p. 233

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/naturally-you-know.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The play holds the season's record, thus far, with a run of four evening performances and one matinée. By an odd coincidence, it ran just five performances too many. p. 121

[Dorothy Parker](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker.md) · [Dorothy Parker: Poems](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dorothy-parker/dorothy-parker-poems/the-play-holds.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Everyone's heard of Erwin Schrodinger's famous thought experiment. You put a cat in a box with a bottle of poison, which many people would suggest is about as far as you need to go.

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [The Unadulterated Cat](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-unadulterated-cat.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-unadulterated-cat/everyones-heard-of-erwin.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [cats](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/cats.md)

> "Hmm. Granpone the White. He's going to be Granpone the Grey if he doesn't take better care of his laundry. Aye tell you, girl, a white magician is just a black magician with a good housekeeper."

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [Equal Rites](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites/hmm-granpone-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Granny had nothing against fortune-telling provided it was done badly by people with no talent for it.

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [Equal Rites](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites/granny-had-nothing.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> It wasn't a large village, and wouldn't have shown up on a map of the mountains. It barely showed up on a map of the village.

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [Equal Rites](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites/it-wasnt-a-large.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I'm surely going to regret this, she told herself, displaying considerable foresight.

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [Equal Rites](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/equal-rites/im-surely-going.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> 'Well ... welcome. My house is your house', his brow suddenly furrowed and he looked worried, 'although only in a metaphorical sense, you understand, because I would not, much as I always admired your straightforward approach, and indeed your forthright stance, actually give you my house, it being the only house I have, and therefore the term is being extended in an, as it were, gratuitous fashion —'

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [The Carpet People](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people/well-welcome-my-house.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The sign outside the shop said Apothecary, which meant that the shop was owned by a sort of early chemist, who would give you herbs and things until you got better or at least stopped getting any worse.

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [The Carpet People](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people/the-sign-outside.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> 'I can't have your subjects throwing my family over the balcony, that would never do.'
>
> 'Good,' said Snibril.
>
> 'I'll do it myself.'

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [The Carpet People](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people/i-cant-have.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> 'Waiting is the worst part,' said Pismire.
>
> 'No it isn't,' said Owlglass, who wasn't even being trusted to hold a sword. 'I expect that having long sharp swords stuck in you is the worst part.'

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [The Carpet People](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people/waiting-is-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> 'Stop that!' he shouted. 'You're soldiers! You're not supposed to fight!'

[Terry Pratchett](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett.md) · [The Carpet People](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/terry-pratchett/the-carpet-people/stop-that-he-shouted.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> It is amazing how the young women flock about me now that I’m old and harmless. Where were they when I could have taken wicked advantage of their affection?

[Isaac Asimov](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov.md) · [I, Asimov](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/i-asimov.md) · p. 515 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/i-asimov/it-is-amazing.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [old age](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/old-age.md)

> I shuddered at the thought of living in Florida, though, a place where six inches is a high elevation.

[Isaac Asimov](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov.md) · [I, Asimov](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/i-asimov.md) · p. 408 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/i-asimov/i-shuddered-at-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Mathematicians deal with large numbers sometimes, but never in their income.

[Isaac Asimov](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov.md) · [Prelude to Foundation](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/prelude-to-foundation.md) · p. 25 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/prelude-to-foundation/mathematicians-deal-with.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> “That’s an amusing thought, if you’ll consider it.”
>
> “Do you find everything amusing?”
>
> “Why not? As an attitude toward life, it’s an amusing one. It’s the only adjective that will fit. Observe the universe, young man. If you can’t force amusement out of it, you might as well cut your throat, since there’s damn little good in it.”

[Isaac Asimov](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov.md) · [The Stars, Like Dust](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/the-stars-like-dust.md) · p. 51 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/isaac-asimov/the-stars-like-dust/thats-an-amusing.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> There may be a moral here. For the life of me I can't find it.

[Arthur C. Clarke](https://www.leafyquotes.com/arthur-c-clarke.md) · [The Collected Stories Of Arthur C. Clarke](https://www.leafyquotes.com/arthur-c-clarke/the-collected-stories-of-arthur-c-clarke.md) · p. 529 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/arthur-c-clarke/the-collected-stories-of-arthur-c-clarke/there-may-be-a-moral.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> He saw the humorous aspect of everything, which is the real test of the tragic sense.

The Colossus of Maroussi · p. 29

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Jury — A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

[H.L. Mencken](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken.md) · [A Mencken Chrestomathy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy/jury-a-group.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Lawyer — One who protects us against robbers by taking away the temptation.

[H.L. Mencken](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken.md) · [A Mencken Chrestomathy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy/lawyer-one-who.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually have comic touches to the victim. Happiness probably consists largely in the capacity to detect and relish them. A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable.

[H.L. Mencken](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken.md) · [Minority Report](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/minority-report.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/minority-report/human-life-is-basically.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [happiness](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/happiness.md)

> In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

[H.L. Mencken](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken.md) · [A Mencken Chrestomathy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy/in-this-world.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> Judge — A law student who marks his own examination-papers.

[H.L. Mencken](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken.md) · [A Mencken Chrestomathy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/hl-mencken/a-mencken-chrestomathy/judge-a-law.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Readers, friends, if you turn these pages
>
> Put your prejudice aside,
>
> For, really, there's nothing here that's outrageous,
>
> Nothing sick, or bad — or contagious.
>
> Not that I sit here glowing with pride
>
> For my book: all you'll find is laughter:
>
> That's all the glory my heart is after,
>
> Seeing how sorrow eats you, defeats you.
>
> I'd rather write about laughing than crying,
>
> For laughter makes men human, and courageous.

[François Rabelais](https://www.leafyquotes.com/francois-rabelais.md) · [Gargantua and Pantagruel](https://www.leafyquotes.com/francois-rabelais/gargantua-and-pantagruel.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/francois-rabelais/gargantua-and-pantagruel/readers-friends-if-you.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailing-boat equipment, the gin and tonic.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I am no stranger to loud noise. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The most extraordinary change in Moscow was Arbat Street, the USSR's first pedestrian mall. Of course, there's something a little sad about a pedestrian mall in a nation where few people own cars— the whole damn country's a pedestrian mall.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The Italians have had two thousand years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborghini to the Grand Prix track to watch the charter buses race.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> If Christ came back tomorrow, He'd have to change planes in Frankfurt. Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [travel](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/travel.md)

> The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The larger the German body, the smaller the German bathing suit and the louder the German voice issuing German demands and German orders to everybody who doesn't speak German. For this, and several other reasons, Germany is known as 'the land where Israelis learned their manners'.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport— two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Everything on a boat has a different name than it would have if it weren't on a boat. Either this is ancient seafaring tradition or it's how people who mess around with boats try to impress the rest of us who actually finished college.

Holidays in Hell

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Pain is the body's way of showing us we're bone-heads. A child growing up in an excessively safe environment may never learn that he is one — not until he gets married and has a wife to tell him so.

Republican Party Reptile

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Fishing ... is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait.

Republican Party Reptile

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Republican Party Reptile

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The Institute of U.S. and Canadian Studies is supposed to have subscribed to the Village Voice for six years in an attempt to find out about life in America's rural areas.

Republican Party Reptile

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Freddie Aguilar, who's billed as "the Bob Dylan of the Philippines." This is unfair, since he's good-looking, plays the guitar well, can carry a tune, and writes songs that make sense.

Republican Party Reptile

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [music](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/music.md)

> Leonid Brezhnev needed a haircut, so he went down to the ground floor of the Kremlin and plopped into the chair. It was understood that at such times the barber was to say not a word, just cut hair. But this morning, after a few snips he said: "Comrade Brezhnev what are you going to do about Poland?" No reply. Some minutes later: "Comrade Brezhnev, what about Poland?" Again no reply. Then, pretty soon: "Comrade Brezhnev, you've got to do something about Poland." At this Brezhnev jumps out of the chair and tears away the cloth: "What's all this about Poland?" and the barber says: "It makes my job so much easier," and Brezhnev screams: "What do you mean?" and the barber says: "Every time I mention Poland your hair stands straight up on end."

[James A. Michener](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-a-michener.md) · [Poland](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-a-michener/poland.md) · p. 567 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/james-a-michener/poland/leonid-brezhnev-needed.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> My parents migrated to Canada in 1876, and I decided to go with them.

[Stephen Leacock](https://www.leafyquotes.com/stephen-leacock.md) · [Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town](https://www.leafyquotes.com/stephen-leacock/sunshine-sketches-of-a-little-town.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/stephen-leacock/sunshine-sketches-of-a-little-town/my-parents-migrated.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-connecticut-yankee-in-king-arthurs-court.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-connecticut-yankee-in-king-arthurs-court/whenever-the-literary.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> When a prisoner of style escapes it’s called an evasion.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [Adventures of Huckleberry Finn](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn/when-a-prisoner.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> “How’d you say he got shot?”
>
> “He had a dream,” I says, “and it shot him.”
>
> “Singular dream,” he says.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [Adventures of Huckleberry Finn](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn/howd-you-say.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe these examples:

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [A Tramp Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad/some-german-words.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [words](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/words.md)

> If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy — if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [Adventures of Huckleberry Finn](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn/if-you-are.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [A Tramp Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad/in-german-a-young.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [words](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/words.md)

> There warn't anybody at the church, except maybe a hog or two, for there warn't any lock on the door, and hogs likes a puncheon floor in summer-time because it's cool. If you notice, most folks don't go to church only when they've got to; but a hog is different.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [Adventures of Huckleberry Finn](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn/there-warnt-anybody.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [religion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/religion.md)

> You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [A Tramp Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad/you-may-say.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [cats](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/cats.md)

> To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [Adventures of Huckleberry Finn](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn/to-be-or-not.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> A gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [A Tramp Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/a-tramp-abroad/a-gifted-person.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>
> BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [Adventures of Huckleberry Finn](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/adventures-of-huckleberry-finn/persons-attempting-to-find.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [literature](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/literature.md)

> “Answer the gentleman, Thomas—don’t be afraid.”
>
> Tom still hung fire.
>
> “Now I know you’ll tell me,” said the lady. “The names of the first two disciples were—”
>
> “David and Goliah!”
>
> Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of the scene.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [The Adventures of Tom Sawyer](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-adventures-of-tom-sawyer.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-adventures-of-tom-sawyer/answer-the-gentleman.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [The Innocents Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-innocents-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-innocents-abroad/guides-cannot-master.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> They spell it "Vinci" and pronounce it "Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [The Innocents Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-innocents-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-innocents-abroad/they-spell-it-vinci.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes we had brought from the wilds of America. They observed that we talked loudly at table sometimes. They noticed that we looked out for expenses and got what we conveniently could out of a franc, and wondered where in the mischief we came from. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

[Mark Twain](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain.md) · [The Innocents Abroad](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-innocents-abroad.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/mark-twain/the-innocents-abroad/the-people-of-those.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [travel](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/travel.md)

> Inside the family room, Arthur Herk was methodically, relentlessly changing channels. He was doing this partly because the instinct to change channels is embedded deep in the male genetic code, and partly because he knew his wife and stepdaughter hated it. (Chapter 2)

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Big Trouble](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble/inside-the-family.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> • Florida’s government is divided into three branches: the executive, the judicial and the criminal.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 43 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/floridas-government-is-divided.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> There comes a time in a man’s life when a man must man up and be a man by summoning up his manhood and doing something manly.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 175 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/there-comes-a-time.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Miami turned out to be a great market: It seemed as if everybody here wanted things that went bang. You had your professional drug-cartel muscle people, who needed guns that shot thousands of rounds per minute to compensate for the fact that their aim was terrible. You had your basic local criminals, who wanted guns that would scare the hell out of civilians; and your civilians, trying to keep up with your local criminals. You had your hunters, who, to judge from the rifles they bought, were after deer that traveled inside armored personnel carriers. You had your "collectors" and your "enthusiasts," who lived in three-thousand-dollar trailers furnished with seven-thousand-dollar grenade launchers. You had an endless stream of shady characters representing a bewildering variety of revolutionary, counterrevolutionary, counter-counterrevolutionary and counter-counter-counterrevolutionary movements all over the Caribbean and Central and South America, who almost always wanted guns on credit. (Chapter 5)

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Big Trouble](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble/miami-turned-out.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [crime](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/crime.md)

> Suddenly, I noticed something: my wallet and keys are exactly where I left them. So either the spirits decided not to move them or—we cannot rule this out – they moved them and then moved them back.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 125 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/suddenly-i-noticed.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Experiences like that led the band to develop the Retaliation Song. The way it worked was, if they were forced to perform a song they hated, they'd retaliate by playing a song that was even worse. For example, if the band had to play "My Way," it would counterattack with Bobby Goldsboro's sap-oozing piece of dreck, "Honey" (She wrecked the car and she was sad, and so afraid that I'd be mad, but what the heck!). One night, at a wedding reception, an extremely drunk man ordered the band to perform "The Ballad of the Green Berets," and then, a half hour later, demanded that it be played again. That night, Arrival struck back with the hydrogen bomb of retaliation songs: "In the Year 2525," the relentlessly ugly Zager and Evans song with the disturbingly weird lyrics (You won't find a thing to chew! Nobody's gonna look at you!). Some guests actually fled the room. (Chapter 3)

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Tricky Business](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/tricky-business.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/tricky-business/experiences-like-that.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [music](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/music.md)

> The main reason why Deeber's car ignition had never been wired to a bomb is that reporters have poor do-it-yourself skills. (Chapter 1)

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Big Trouble](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble/the-main-reason.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> • Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 43 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/under-floridas-stand.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> On any given night, Key West’s main party drag, lower Duval Street, makes Bourbon Street look like Sesame Street.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 206 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/on-any-given.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> To begin with, sponges are not plants. They are multicelled animals, although they have no mouth, internal organs, brains or nervous systems. They cannot move, but they can reproduce, eat, grow and obtain Florida driver’s licenses.
>
> I’m kidding about that last one, sort of.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 99 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/to-begin-with.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> As it happens, the Herk household did have a dog, named Roger. Roger was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex: Among other characteristics, he had the low-slung body of a beagle, the pointy ears of a German shepherd, the enthusiasm of a Labrador retriever, the stubby tail of a boxer, and the intelligence of celery. (Chapter 2)

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Big Trouble](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble/as-it-happens.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> After the door closed behind them, there was a moment of silence in the Jolly Jackal. Finally, John, sitting on the floor next to the briefcase containing ten thousand dollars in cash, said to Leo, Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu? This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?" (Chapter 6)

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Big Trouble](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/big-trouble/after-the-door.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway/what-was-life.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far/in-sports-vijay.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way. These are snakes that started out as pets of Miami residents, until one day these residents stopped smoking crack and said, "Jesus H. Christ! We're living with a giant snake!"

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [I'll Mature When I'm Dead](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead.md) · p. 84 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead/two-invasive-species.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> • Roughly eight of these people understand the purpose of the turn signal.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Best. State. Ever.](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever.md) · p. 43 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/best-state-ever/roughly-eight-of-these.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The American newspaper industry is in serious trouble. How serious? Consider: In 1971, when I was hired for my first newspaper job, there were 62 million newspaper subscribers in the United States; today, there are twelve, an estimated five of whom are dead and therefore unlikely to renew.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [I'll Mature When I'm Dead](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead.md) · p. 185 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead/the-american-newspaper.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> This book is dedicated to everybody who buys this book. Without you, I would have to get an actual job.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [I'll Mature When I'm Dead](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead/this-book-is-dedicated.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Sharks are hardy creatures, but they do not thrive on public transportation.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [I'll Mature When I'm Dead](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead.md) · p. 83 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead/sharks-are-hardy.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> There were automobiles, but they lacked many of the features that automobiles have today, such as a working motor. In the Barry household, we had a series of cars named (these were all real Barry cars) the "Rambler," the "Minx," the "Metropolitan," and the "Valiant." You could rely on these cars- rain or shine, hot or cold- to not start. The "Metropolitan," in particular, was no more capable of internal combustion than of producing a litter of puppies.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [I'll Mature When I'm Dead](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead.md) · p. 54 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead/there-were-automobiles.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> So they let the pythons go, and a lot of them ended up in the Everglades, which is basically Las Vegas for pythons. They've been engaging in wild python sex out there for years; wildlife biologists estimate that there are now more than one hundred thousand of them. They can grow to be longer than twenty feet, and they don't have any natural enemies, so they're eating all the other Everglades animals. The wildlife authorities are desperately trying to figure out what to do about this. My preference would be to use tactical nuclear weapons, but this would never fly with the wildlife community, which regards the Everglades as a precious ecosystem, even though to the naked civilian eye it is a giant festering stinkhole of muck.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [I'll Mature When I'm Dead](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead.md) · p. 85 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/ill-mature-when-im-dead/so-they-let.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [animals](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/animals.md)

> Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far/tiger-woods-is-kidnapped.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far/u-s-news-organizations.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-history-of-the-millennium-so-far/in-sports-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia."

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway/the-constitution-of-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The next major advance came soon after the war, with the construction of the first commercially available electronic digital computer, UNIVAC. This device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet, and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons. UNIVAC was capable of performing 5,000 mathematical calculations per second (Although it did get most of the answers wrong), which, although slow by today's standards, meant it was now possible for a single corporate employee to do something that formerly was impossible- play solitaire on the computer screen. The modern electronic office was born.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry in Cyberspace](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace.md) · p. 21 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace/the-next-major.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The United States government requires this, and for a good reason, which is: I have no idea. I don't even know what riboflavin is. I do know I eat a lot of it. For example, I often start the day with a hearty Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart, which has, according to the label, a riboflavin rating of 10 percent. I assume this means that 10 percent of the Pop-Tart is riboflavin. Maybe it's the red stuff in the middle. Anyway, I'm hoping riboflavin is a good thing; if it turns out that it's a bad thing, like "riboflavin" is the Latin word for "cockroach pus," then I am definitely in trouble.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway/when-i-purchase.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In a few minutes we encounter dramatic proof that China's population is 1.1 billion: At least that many people are in a traffic jam with us. I have never seen a traffic jam like this- a huge, confused, gear-grinding, smoke-spewing, kaleidoscopic mass of vehicles, on the road and on the shoulders, stretching for miles and miles, every single driver simultaneously honking and attempting to change lanes. Our driver, Bill, puts on a wondrous show of skill, boldly bluffing other drivers, displaying lightning reflexes and great courage, aiming for spaces that I would not have attempted in a go-kart. Watching him, we passengers became swept up in the drama, our palms sweating each time he makes another daring, seemingly impossible move that will, if it succeeds, gain us maybe two whole feet.
>
> We pass an exciting hour and a half this way, finally arriving at the source of the problem, which is, needless to say, a Repair Crew. Providing security are a half-dozen men who look like police officers or soldiers, standing around smoking and talking, ignoring the crazed traffic roiling past them. The work crew itself consists of eight men, seven of whom are watching one man, who's sitting in the middle of the highway holding a hammer and a chisel. As we inch past, this man is carefully positioning the chisel on a certain spot on the concrete. It takes him a minute or so to get it exactly where he wants it, then, with great care, he raises the hammer and strikes the chisel. I can just barely hear the ping sound over the sound of the honking. The man lifts up the chisel to evaluate the situation. I estimate that, barring unforeseen delays, this particular repair job should easily be completed in 12,000 years. These guys are definitely qualified to do highway repair in the U.S.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-is-not-making-this-up.md) · p. 96 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-is-not-making-this-up/in-a-few.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-is-not-making-this-up.md) · p. 56 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-is-not-making-this-up/we-need-our.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Clearly, nobody was going to stand in the way of this amazing new technology. But because of the extremely high cost and phenomenal inaccuracy of early computers, the only customer for them was the federal government. In 1890, for the first time, the government used computing machines to conduct the census; it was completed in a record two months, and it yielded much valuable information, including the startling fact that the United States had only twelve residents, all of them named "Earl A. Snepp."
>
> As you would expect, when the federal income tax was enacted in 1913, the Internal Revenue Service quickly embraced the computer. The model used by the IRS was a simple yet effective device that employed a bank of electrically charged nails and a series of cardboard cards with various patterns of holes punched in them; when the nails were pressed down onto a card, they passed through the holes and formed a complete electrical circuit by piercing the naked bodies of taxpayers who had been summoned for audits.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry in Cyberspace](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace.md) · p. 20 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace/clearly-nobody-was.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry in Cyberspace](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace/buying-the-right.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> It was the ancient Egyptians who first figured out that numbers could, if you added and subtracted them, be used to form mathematics; this made it possible, for the first time, to build the pyramids as well as keep score in bowling.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry in Cyberspace](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace.md) · p. 16 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace/it-was-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> But it was not until World War II that the U.S. government began to unleash the true power of this technology, when our intelligence forces first employed computers to break enemy codes. Probably the most famous example concerns a top-secret cable sent from the Japanese military high command to Japan's ambassador in Washington on December 3, 1941. The cable, intercepted by U.S. agents, read:
>
> E-WAY ILL-WAY ATTACK-AY EARL-PAY ARBOR-HAY
>
> -TOKYO
>
> This cable was immediately fed into the U.S. War Department's top-secret code-breaking computer, code-named CODEBREAKER, which consisted of thousands of interconnected electronic switches, or "relays." Unlike human intelligence analysts, CODEBREAKER was able to work on the problem nonstop, 24 hours a day, never taking a coffee break (Although it did go to the bathroom four times), until finally, in March of 1944, it gave up. Before it quit, however, CODEBREAKER was able to correctly identify "Tokyo" as "a city in Asia"- information that was to prove vital in the war effort.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry in Cyberspace](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace.md) · p. 20 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace/but-it-was.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I think everybody should go to Bimini from time to time. I think President Bush and whoever is governing the Soviet Union this afternoon should meet there. They would definitely have a more relaxed kind of summit.
>
> ALICE TOWN, BAHAMAS- In a surprise development, the leaders of the two superpowers announced today that they have learned all the words, in English AND Russian, to "Conch Ain't Got No Bone."
>
> Maybe you should go to Bimini, too. Maybe I'll even see you there, and we can wave to each other, if we're not feeling too lethargic. Please address me as "Bonefish Dave."

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-is-not-making-this-up.md) · p. 130 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-is-not-making-this-up/i-think-everybody.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [travel](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/travel.md)

> But when it came to eloquence, George [H. W.] Bush was Winston Churchill compared with his vice president, the legendary J. Danforth Quayle. You never knew what Dan was going to say next, and the wonderful thing was, Dan clearly didn't know either. He'd be asked a question, and he'd start talking, and you could see in his eyes that he was thinking, Ohmigod I'm talking and I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW!

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway/but-when-it-came.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> The first human beings didn't need computers, because they had no numbers. This was a big problem for parents, because they had no way to control their children ("You kids stop that! I mean it! I'm going to count to... um... to... YOU KIDS STOP THAT!")

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry in Cyberspace](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace.md) · p. 15 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-in-cyberspace/the-first-human.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> A lot of people were very upset, especially people in Palm Beach County, who were saying that they had accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan, which was clearly a mistake. Even Pat Buchanan admitted this.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-hits-below-the-beltway/a-lot-of-people.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) · p. 125 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/denmark-also-called.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/we-travel-because.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [travel](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/travel.md)

> In 1948 the Democrats had little choice but to nominate President Truman, under the banner HE'S GOING TO LOSE. Everybody felt this way: the politicians, the press, the pollsters, the piccolo players, Peter Piper, everybody. The Republicans were so confident that they nominated an individual named Thomas Dewey, whose lone accomplishment was inventing the decimal system. Truman campaigned doggedly around the nation, but his cause appeared to be hopeless. A Dewey victory seemed so inevitable that on election night, the Chicago Tribune printed the famous front-page headline DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN. This was because Dewey had defeated Truman, who immediately threatened to drop an atomic bomb on Chicago, so everybody went ha-ha-ha-ha, just kidding, and wisely elected to have the feisty ex-haberdasher have another term.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Slept Here](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here.md) · p. 131 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here/in-1948-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md), [history](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/history.md)

> Vermont: See New Hampshire

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) · p. 98 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/vermont-see-new.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true "vacation paradise," offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) · p. 80 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/during-the-warm.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made of dirt. Think about that. You can't clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settlers had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. "You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!" they'd yell.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) · p. 87 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/but-nebraska-was.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, "Sprechnehaltenzoltenfussenmachschnitzerkalbenrollen." Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:
>
> First German: "How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
>
> Second German: "I don't know! How many?"
>
> First German: "Let's invade Poland and find out!"
>
> Millions of Other Germans: "Okay!"

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) · p. 135 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/ha-ha-we-are.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The way I attempted to learn Japanese was by reading a book called Japanese at a Glance in the plane from San Francisco to Tokyo. This is not the method recommended by experts. The method recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Does Japan](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-does-japan.md) · p. 20 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-does-japan/the-way-i-attempted.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In 1980 the Democrats were pretty much stuck with Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale, who ran under the slogan "Four More Years?" The Republicans, meanwhile, had a spirited primary campaign season, which came down to a duel between Reagan and George Herbert Walker Norris Wainright Armoire Vestibule Pomegranate Bush IV, who had achieved a distinguished record of public service despite having a voice that sounded like he had just inhaled an entire blimp-load of helium.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Slept Here](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here.md) · p. 167 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here/in-1980-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> Reagan finally won the nomination by promoting "Reaganomics", an economic program based on the theory that the government could lower taxes while increasing spending and at the same time actually reduce the federal budget by sacrificing a live chicken by the light of a full moon. Bush charged that this amounted to "voo-doo economics," which got him into hot water until he explained that what he meant to say was "doo-doo economics." Satisfied, Reagan made Bush his vice-presidential nominee. The turning point in the election campaign came during the October 8 debate between Reagan and Carter, when Reagan's handlers came up with a shrewd strategy: No matter what Carter said, Reagan would respond by shaking his head in a sorrowful manner and saying: "There you go again." This was brilliant, because (a) it required the candidate to remember only four words, and (b) he delivered them so believably that everything Carter said seemed like a lie. If Carter had stated that the Earth was round, Reagan would have shaken his head, saying, "There you go again," and millions of voters would have said: "Yeah! What does Carter think we are? Stupid?"

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Slept Here](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here.md) · p. 167 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here/reagan-finally-won.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> First of all, let's dispense with this absurd stereotype that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need.md) · p. 131 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barrys-only-travel-guide-youll-ever-need/first-of-all.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I would certainly never say anything judgemental about another culture, but in certain food-related areas, the Japanese are clinically insane. The new culinary rage when we were in Japan was to eat fish that were still alive. I cannot imagine doing such a thing unless I were really desperate to get into a fraternity, but according to news reports, people were paying top yen in Tokyo restaurants for live, gasping fish. The waiter brings you your fish, still gasping (I mean the fish is gasping, although I suppose the waiter could be, too.), then quickly slices it open right at your table; then you're supposed to eat it while the fish is staring at you with its nearer eyeball and a facial expression that says, "Go ahead and enjoy yourself! Don't mind me! I'll be dead fairly soon!"
>
> And that's not the weirdest culinary activity the Japanese engage in. There is also fugu. This is a kind of blowfish that the Japanese eat raw. So far, you are not surprised. You are saying: "Big deal, the Japanese eat a lot of fish raw." Well, what you are apparently not aware of, Mr. or Ms. Smarty Pants, is that fugu contains a lethal poison. The liver of the male and the ovaries of the female contain one of the most toxic substances in nature, for which there is no antidote, which means that if your fugu is not prepared exactly right, with all of the dangerous organs removed, you have encountered the Blowfish of Doom and soon are going to meet the Big Maitre d' in the Sky. Clearly this is a fish that Mother Nature is telling us we should leave the hell under water, but to the Japanese it is a great delicacy.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Does Japan](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-does-japan.md) · p. 72 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-does-japan/i-would-certainly.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Slept Here](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-slept-here/the-first-major.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I never really did get accustomed to all the bowing. According to the guidebooks, there's an elaborate set of rules governing exactly how you bow, and who bows the lowest, and when, and for how long, and how many times, all of this depending on the situation and the statuses of the various bowers involved. Naturally, my family and I, being large, ignorant foreign water buffaloes, were not expected by the Japanese to know these rules. Nevertheless, we did feel obligated to attempt to return bows when we got them.
>
> This happened quite often. It started when we arrived at our hotel in Tokyo. As I was descending the steps of the airport bus, two uniformed bellmen came rushing up and bowed to me. Trying to look casual but feeling like an idiot, I bowed back. I probably did it wrong, because then they bowed back. So I bowed back. The three of us sort of bowed our way over to where the luggage was being unloaded, and I bowed to our suitcases, and the bellmen, bowing, picked them up and rushed into the hotel. We followed them past a bowing doorman into the hotel, where we were gang-bowed by hotel employees. No matter which direction we turned, they were aiming bows at us, sometimes from as far as twenty-five yards away. Bobbing like drinking-bird toys, we bowed our way to the reception desk, where a bowing clerk checked us in.

[Dave Barry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry.md) · [Dave Barry Does Japan](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-does-japan.md) · p. 44 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/dave-barry/dave-barry-does-japan/i-never-really.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [travel](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/travel.md)

> With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Mere Anarchy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy/with-that-he-scribbled.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Mere Anarchy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy/bidnick-gorges-himself.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Mere Anarchy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy/as-we-know.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Mere Anarchy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy/to-a-man.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Mere Anarchy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy/how-could-i-not.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Mere Anarchy](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/mere-anarchy/and-how-does.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep.
>
> Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/agathon-but-all.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [death](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/death.md)

> It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/it-is-impossible.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Is anything in nature actually "perfect" with the exception of my Uncle Hyman's stupidity? Who am I to demand perfection? I, with my myriad faults. I made a list of my faults, but could not get past: 1) Sometimes forgets his hat.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/is-anything-in-nature.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/interestingly-according-to-modern.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/of-all-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I sit in a London pub with Willie Maugham. I am distressed, because my first novel, Proud Emetic, has been coolly received by the critics. Its one favorable notice, in the Times, was vitiated by the last sentence, which called the book "a miasma of asinine cliches unrivalled in Western letters." Maugham explains that while this quote can be interpreted many ways, it might be best not to use it in the print ads.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/i-sit-in-a-london.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> A typical "explained" incident is the one reported by Sir Chester Ramsbottom, on June 5, 1961, in Shropshire: "I was driving along the road at 2 A.M. and saw a cigar-shaped object that seemed to be tracking my car. No matter which way I drove, it stayed with me, turning sharply at right angles. It was a fierce, glowing red, and in spite of twisting and turning the car at high speed I could not lose it. I became alarmed and began sweating. I let out a shriek of terror and apparently fainted, but awoke in a hospital, miraculously unharmed." Upon investigation, experts determined that the "cigar-shaped object" was Sir Chester's nose. Naturally, all his evasive actions could not lose it, since it was attached to his face.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/a-typical-explained.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/more-than-any.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> My second wife was beautiful, but lacked real passion. I recall once, while we were making love, a curious optical illusion occurred and for a split second it almost looked as though she was moving.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Side Effects](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/side-effects/my-second-wife.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [passion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/passion.md)

> The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I'd written both of them.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Salmon of Doubt](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt/the-hotel-shop.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/as-the-poet.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Salmon of Doubt](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt/i-love-deadlines.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better, Moses or Abraham?"
>
> "Abraham," the Zaddik said.
>
> "But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple.
>
> "All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Getting Even](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even/rabbi-raditz-of-poland.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> A fine example of a demonstration was the Boston Tea Party, where outraged Americans disguised as Indians dumped British tea into the harbor. Later, Indians disguised as outraged Americans dumped actual British into the harbor. Following that, the British disguised as tea, dumped each other into the harbor. Finally, German mercenaries clad only in costumes from The Trojan Women leapt into the harbor for no apparent reason.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/a-fine-example.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Viscous and Sons had announced publication of The Annotated Poems of Sean O'Shawn, the great Irish poet, considered by many to be the most incomprehensible and hence the finest poet of his time. Abounding in highly personal references, an understanding of O'Shawn's work requires an intimate knowledge of his life, which, according to scholars, not even he had.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/viscous-and-sons.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [poetry](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/poetry.md)

> And so he took Isaac to a certain place and prepared to sacrifice him but at the last minute the Lord stayed Abraham's hand and said,
>
> "How could thou doest such a thing?"
>
> And Abraham said, "But thou said-"
>
> "Never mind what I said," the Lord spake. "Doth thou listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?"
>
> And Abraham grew ashamed. "Er-not really... no."
>
> "I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou immediately runs out to do it."
>
> And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know when you're kidding."
>
> And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor. I can't believe it."

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/and-so-he-took.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [religion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/religion.md), [god](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/god.md)

> Lovborg's work can be divided into three periods. First came the series of plays dealing with anguish, despair, dread, fear, and loneliness (the comedies); the second group focused on social change (Lovborg was instrumental in bringing about safer methods of weighing herring); finally, there were the six great tragedies written just before his death, in Stockholm, in 1902, when his nose fell off, owing to tension.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/lovborgs-work-can.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> My favourite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantelpiece, in order to prove it could be done. This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Salmon of Doubt](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt/my-favourite-piece.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the Torah and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West, was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his fellow-Hebrews, who totalled a sixteenth of one per cent of the population. Once, while he was on his way to synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asking the following question:
>
> "Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?"
>
> "We're not?" the Rev said incredulously. "Uh-oh."

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Getting Even](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even/rabbi-zwi-chaim.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [religion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/religion.md)

> The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/the-lion-and.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Last year, organized crime was directly responsible for more than one hundred murders, and mafiosi participated indirectly in several hundred more, either by lending the killers carfare or by holding their coats. Other illicit activities engaged in by Cosa Nostra members included gambling, narcotics, prostitution, hijacking, loansharking, and the transportation of a large whitefish across the state line for immoral purposes.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Getting Even](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even/last-year-organized.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [crime](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/crime.md)

> Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/thought-why-does.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/what-if-everything.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/if-only-god.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [god](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/god.md)

> He had been mistaken several times for Robert Redford, but on each occasion it was by a blind person.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/he-had-been.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Salmon of Doubt](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt/for-children-you.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, "How insignificant I am!" Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/today-i-saw.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/what-a-wonderful.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> V. attacked his first woman at eighteen, and thereafter raped half a dozen per week for years. The best I was able to do with him in therapy was to substitute a more socially acceptable habit to replace his aggressive tendencies; and thereafter when he chanced upon an unsuspecting female, instead of assaulting her, he would produce a large halibut from his jacket and show it to her. While the sight of it caused consternation in some, the women were spared any violence and some even confessed their lives were immeasurably enriched by the experience.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Getting Even](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even/v-attacked-his.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/what-if-nothing.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [doubt](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/doubt.md)

> Once a lumberjack was about to chop down a tree, when he noticed a heart carved on it, with two names inside. Putting away his axe, he sawed down the tree instead. The point of that story escapes me, although six months later the lumberjack was fined for teaching a dwarf Roman numerals.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Without Feathers](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/without-feathers/once-a-lumberjack.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

[Woody Allen](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen.md) · [Getting Even](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/woody-allen/getting-even/i-dont-believe.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the expression "As pretty as an airport." Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort. This ugliness arises because airports are full of people who are tired, cross, and have just discovered that their luggage has landed in Murmansk (Murmansk airport is the only exception of this otherwise infallible rule), and architects have on the whole tried to reflect this in their designs.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/it-can-hardly.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The Great Zaganza said: "You are very fat and stupid and persistently wear a ridiculous hat which you should be ashamed of."

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/the-great-zaganza.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> In fact, a very similar phrase was invented to account for the sudden transition of wood, metal, plastic and concrete into an explosive condition, which was "nonlinear, catastrophic structural exasperation," or to put it another way--as a junior cabinet minister did on television the following night in a phrase which was to haunt the rest of his career--the check-in desk had just got "fundamentally fed up with being where it was."

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/in-fact-a-very.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> She held the car grimly to the road as it negotiated the bends with considerable difficulty and the straight sections with only slightly less. The car had landed her in court on one occasion when one of its front wheels had sailed off on a little expedition of its own and nearly caused an accident. The police witness in court had referred to her beloved Citroën as "the alleged car" and the name had subsequently stuck. She was particularly fond of the alleged car for many reasons. If one of its doors, for instance, fell off she could put it back on herself, which is more than you could say for a BMW.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/she-held-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> It was a battered yellow Citroën 2CV which had had one careful owner but also three suicidally reckless ones.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/it-was-a-battered.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> WFT-II was the only British software company that could be mentioned in the same sentence as such major U.S. companies as Microsoft or Lotus. The sentence would probably run along the lines of "WFT-II, unlike such major U.S. companies as Microsoft or Lotus ..." but it was a start.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/wft-ii-was-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Dennis Hutch had stepped up into the top seat when its founder had died of a lethal overdose of brick wall, taken while under the influence of a Ferrari and a bottle of tequila.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/dennis-hutch-had.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [death](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/death.md)

> Dirk was unused to making such a minuscule impact on anybody. He checked to be sure that he did have his huge leather coat and his absurd red hat on and that he was properly and dramatically silhouetted by the light of the doorway.
>
> He felt momentarily deflated and said, "Er..." by way of self-introduction, but it didn't get the boy's attention. He didn't like this. The kid was deliberately and maliciously watching television at him.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/dirk-was-unused.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The seat received him in a loose and distant kind of way, like an aunt who disapproves of the last fifteen years of your life and will therefore furnish you with a basic sherry, but refuses to catch your eye.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/the-seat-received.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> You would probably not say that he was sleeping the sleep of the just, unless you meant the just asleep, but it was certainly the sleep of someone who was not fooling about when he climbed into bed of a night and turned off the light.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/you-would-probably.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The device [electronic I Ching calculator] also functioned as an ordinary calculator, but only to a limited degree. It could handle any calculation which returned an answer of anything up to 4. ...anything above 4 it represented merely as "A Suffusion of Yellow." Dirk was not certain if this was a programming error or an insight beyond his ability to fathom, but he was crazy about it anyway, enough to hand over twenty pounds of ready cash for the thing.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/the-device-electronic.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> "Stotting" is jumping upward with all four legs simultaneously. My advice: do not die until you've seen a large black poodle stotting in the snow.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Salmon of Doubt](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-salmon-of-doubt/stotting-is-jumping.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City. It had never heard of Salt Lake City, of course. Nor had it ever heard of a quingigillion, which was roughly the number of miles between this valley and the Great Salt Lake of Utah.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) · p. 5 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/unfortunately-this-electric.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> "My name is Kate Schechter. Two 'c's, two 'h's, two 'e's, and also a 't', an 'r', and an 's'. Provided they're all there the bank won't be fussy about the order they come in. They never seem to know themselves."

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/my-name-is-kate.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The room was not a room to elevate the soul. Louis XIV, to pick a name at random, would not have liked it, would have found it not sunny enough, and insufficiently full of mirrors. He would have desired someone to pick up the socks, put the records away, and maybe burn the place down. Michelangelo would have been distressed by its proportions, which were neither lofty nor shaped by any noticeable inner harmony or symmetry, other than that all parts of the room were pretty much equally full of old coffee mugs, shoes and brimming ashtrays, most of which were now sharing their tasks with each other. The walls were painted in almost precisely that shade of green which Raffaello Sanzio would have bitten off his own right hand at the wrist rather than use, and Hercules, on seeing the room, would probably have returned half an hour later armed with a navigable river. It was, in short, a dump, and was likely to remain so for as long as it remained in the custody of Mr Svlad, or 'Dirk', Gently, né Cjelli.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/the-room-was.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Thor was the God of Thunder and, frankly, acted like it.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/thor-was-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> There was constant talk about hewing things and ravaging things and splitting things asunder. Lots of big talk of things being mighty, and of things being riven, and of things being in thrall to other things, but very little attention given, as I now realise, to the laundry.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/there-was-constant.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Or maybe she decided that an evening with your old tutor would be blisteringly dull and opted for the more exhilarating course of washing her hair instead. Dear me, I know what I would have done. It's only lack of hair that forces me to pursue such a hectic social round these days.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/or-maybe-she.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The usual people tried to claim responsibility.
>
> First the IRA, then the PLO and the Gas Board. Even British Nuclear Fuels rushed out a statement to the effect that the situation was completely under control, that it was a one in a million chance, that there was hardly any radioactive leakage at all, and that the site of the explosion would make a nice location for a day out with the kids and a picnic, before finally having to admit that it wasn't actually anything to do with them at all.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/the-usual-people.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The explosion was now officially designated an "Act of God."
>
> But, thought Dirk, what god? And why?
>
> What god would be hanging around Terminal Two of Heathrow Airport trying to catch the 15:37 flight to Oslo?

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/the-explosion-was.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> "Sir Isaac Newton, renowned inventor of the milled-edge coin and the catflap!"
>
> "The what?" said Richard.
>
> "The catflap! A device of the utmost cunning, perspicuity and invention. It is a door within a door, you see, a ..."
>
> "Yes," said Richard, "there was also the small matter of gravity."
>
> "Gravity," said Dirk with a slightly dismissive shrug, "yes, there was that as well, I suppose. Though that, of course, was merely a discovery. It was there to be discovered." …
>
> "You see?" he said dropping his cigarette butt, "They even keep it on at weekends. Someone was bound to notice sooner or later. But the catflap … ah, there is a very different matter. Invention, pure creative invention. It is a door within a door, you see."

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/sir-isaac-newton.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> ...he had a tremendous propensity for getting lost when driving. This was largely because of his "Zen" method of navigation, which was simply to find any car that looked as if it knew where it was going and follow it. The results were more often surprising than successful, but he felt it was worth it for the sake of the few occasions when it was both.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul/he-had-a-tremendous.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/if-it-looks.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The teacher usually learns more than the pupils. Isn't that true?
>
> "It would be hard to learn much less than my pupils," came a low growl from somewhere on the table, "without undergoing a pre-frontal lobotomy."

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/the-teacher-usually.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> WOKING (vb.) To enter the kitchen with the precise determination to perform something only to forget what it is just before you do it.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/woking-vb-to-enter.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [memory](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/memory.md)

> AALST (n.) One who changes his name to be further to the front.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/aalst-n-one.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> The door was the way to... to... The Door was The Way. Good. Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/dirk-gentlys-holistic-detective-agency/the-door-was.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> FAIRYMOUNT (vb. n.) Polite word for buggery.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/fairymount-vb-n-polite.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [words](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/words.md)

> LAXOBIGGING (ptcpl.vb.) Struggling to extrude an extremely large turd.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/laxobigging-ptcpl-vb-struggling.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.) The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/shoeburyness-abs-n-the.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> ABOYNE (vb.) To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly badly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/aboyne-vb-to-beat.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> CLIXBY (adj.) Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative.

[Douglas Adams](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams.md) · [The Meaning of Liff](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/douglas-adams/the-meaning-of-liff/clixby-adj-politely.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

[George Bernard Shaw](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw.md) · [The Doctor's Dilemma](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/the-doctors-dilemma.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/the-doctors-dilemma/life-does-not.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [life](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/life.md)

> Walk! Not bloody likely. I am going in a taxi.

[George Bernard Shaw](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw.md) · [Pygmalion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/pygmalion.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/pygmalion/walk-not-bloody.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> I wouldn't have ate it, only I'm too lady-like to take it out of my mouth.

[George Bernard Shaw](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw.md) · [Pygmalion](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/pygmalion.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/pygmalion/i-wouldnt-have.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

[George Bernard Shaw](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw.md) · [John Bull's Other Island](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/john-bulls-other-island.md) — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/john-bulls-other-island/my-way-of-joking.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [truth](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/truth.md)

> There is no love sincerer than the love of food.

[George Bernard Shaw](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw.md) · [Man and Superman](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/man-and-superman.md) · p. 23 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/george-bernard-shaw/man-and-superman/there-is-no-love.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> By noon it was clear that the Socialists would have a majority. At luncheon my wife said to me, 'It may well be a blessing in disguise.' I replied, 'At the moment it seems quite effectively disguised.'

The Second World War: Closing The Ring · p. 583

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [politics](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/politics.md)

> A number of social problems arose. I had been told that neither smoking nor alcoholic beverages were allowed in the [Saudi] Royal Presence. As I was the host at luncheon I raised the matter at once, and said to the interpreter that if it was the religion of His Majesty [Ibn Saud] to deprive himself of smoking and alcohol I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them. The King graciously accepted the position. His own cup-bearer from Mecca offered me a glass of water from its sacred well, the most delicious I had ever tasted.

The Second World War: Closing The Ring · p. 348

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> [...] be surrounded by Americans trying to talk French? No, thank you. I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.

[Saki](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki.md) · [The Complete Short Stories](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories.md) · spoken by The Duchess Irene · The Chronicles of Clovis · p. 44303 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories/be-surrounded-by-americans.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> [...] the Duchess declared I shouldn't write anything nasty in her book, and I said I shouldn't write anything in her nasty book, so there wasn't a very wide point of difference between us.

[Saki](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki.md) · [The Complete Short Stories](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories.md) · Reginald · Reginald's Rubaiyat · p. 37 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories/the-duchess-declared-i-shouldnt-write-anything.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> [...] the Mayor gave us a graphic account of a struggle he had with a wounded bear. I privately wished that the bears would win sometimes on these occasions; at least they wouldn't go vapouring about it afterwards.

[Saki](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki.md) · [The Complete Short Stories](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories.md) · Reginald · Reginald's Christmas Revel · p. 34 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories/the-mayor-gave-us-a-graphic-account.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [animals](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/animals.md)

> [...] if you want a lesson in elaborate artificiality, just watch the studied unconcern of a Persian cat entering a crowded salon, and then go and practise it for a fortnight.

[Saki](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki.md) · [The Complete Short Stories](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories.md) · spoken by The Duchess Irene · Reginald · Reginald on Worries · p. 20 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories/if-you-want.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md), [cats](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/cats.md)

> [...] never be flippantly rude to any inoffensive, grey-bearded stranger that you may meet in pine forests or hotel smoking-rooms on the Continent. It always turns out to be the King of Sweden.

[Saki](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki.md) · [The Complete Short Stories](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories.md) · spoken by Reginald · Reginald · Reginald at the Theatre · p. 14 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories/never-be-flippantly-rude-to-any-inoffensive.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)

> There ought [...] to be technical education classes on the science of present-giving. No one seems to have the faintest notion of what any one else wants, and the prevalent ideas on the subject are not creditable to a civilized community.

[Saki](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki.md) · [The Complete Short Stories](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories.md) · spoken by Mr. Appin · Reginald · Reginald on Worries · p. 8 — [Quote page](https://www.leafyquotes.com/saki/the-complete-short-stories/there-ought-to-be-technical.md)

Topics: [humor](https://www.leafyquotes.com/topics/humor.md)