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      "text": "When you come from Des Moines you either accept the fact without question and settle down with a girl called Bobbi and get a job in the Firestone factory and live there forever and ever or you spend your adolescence moaning at length about what a dump it is and how you can't wait to get out and then you settle down with a local girl named Bobbi and get a job in the Firestone factory and live there forever and ever.",
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      "text": "I mused for a few moments on the question of which was worse, to lead a life so boring that you are easily enchanted or a life so full of stimulus that you are easily bored. But then it occurred to me that musing is a pointless waste of anyone's time, and instead I went off to see if I could find a Baby Ruth candy bar, a far more profitable exercise.",
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      "text": "“It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humour in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver.”",
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      "text": "\"Never apologize for being funny because you'll be sorry when you stop getting laughs.\"",
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      "text": "“If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.”",
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      "text": "“Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that — it's got to be funny.”",
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      "slug": "get-at-least",
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      "text": "\"Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly,\"",
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      "text": "Wondering why one's friends chose to marry the people they did is unprofitable, but recurrent.",
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        "name": "John Wyndham",
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      "text": "When computers learn how to make jokes, artists will be in serious trouble.",
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      "text": "“Humor is the great alternative to psychosis,” Gregory Bateson has remarked. It is clear that there was no comedy before the Fall, no one cracking jokes in Eden; there was no need. Holy books, Baudelaire points out, never laugh. The perfection they envision, should the Way be followed exquisitely and completely, robs humor of its necessity, its ground. In the earthly paradise, Baudelaire writes, “as no trouble afflicted him, man’s countenance was simple and smooth, and the laughter that now shakes the nations never distorted the features of his face.” Less perfect times are likely to produce a great many jokes, variously inflected; thus, the Twentieth Century staggers toward its close in a blizzard of one-liners.",
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      "text": "The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't; whichever seems likelier to win an effect.",
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        "name": "John Hoyer Updike",
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      "slug": "a-strange-thing",
      "url": "https://www.leafyquotes.com/soren-kierkegaard/eitheror/a-strange-thing",
      "text": "A strange thing happened to me in my dream. I was rapt into the Seventh Heaven. There sat all the gods assembled. As a special dispensation I was granted the favor to have one wish. \"Do you wish for youth,\" said Mercury, \"or for beauty, or power, or a long life; or do you wish for the most beautiful woman, or any other of the many fine things we have in our treasure trove? Choose, but only one thing!\" For a moment I was at a loss. Then I addressed the gods in this wise: \"Most honorable contemporaries, I choose one thing — that I may always have the laughs on my side.\" Not one god made answer, but all began to laugh. From this I concluded that my wish had been granted and thought that the gods knew how to express themselves with good taste: for it would surely have been inappropriate to answer gravely: your wish has been granted.",
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      "text": "To be a perfect man is after all the highest human ideal. Now I have got corns, which ought to help some.",
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      "text": "I divide my time as follows: half the time I sleep, the other half I dream. I never dream when I sleep, for that would be a pity, for the sleeping is the highest accomplishment of genius.",
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      "slug": "marry-and-you",
      "url": "https://www.leafyquotes.com/soren-kierkegaard/eitheror/marry-and-you",
      "text": "Marry, and you will regret it. Do not marry, and you will also regret it. Marry or do not marry, you will regret it either way. Whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the stupidities of the world, and you will regret it; weep over them, and you will also regret it. Laugh at the stupidities of the world or weep over them, you will regret it either way. Whether you laugh at the stupidities of the world or you weep over them, you will regret it either way. Trust a girl, and you will regret it. Do not trust her, and you will also regret it. Trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Whether you trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Hang yourself, and you will regret it. Do not hang yourself, and you will also regret it. Hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. Whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. This, gentlemen, is the quintessence of all the wisdom of life.",
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      "slug": "i-remember-the",
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      "text": "I remember the dark, the sense that I was suffocating, and I remember laughing. Because, while what was happening was sort of horrible, it was also funny. In many ways, Eula-Beulah prepared me for literary criticism.",
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      "text": "\"I've long since lost my taste for good coffee,\" he says. \"I much prefer the kind that sooner or later, if you keep on drinking it, your hands will begin to shake and the whites of your eyes will turn yellow.\"",
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      "text": "And having made sure my attention was focused in one direction the universe, which likes a good laugh, smacked me in the face from the other side.",
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      "text": "As property prices started rising, developers snatched up bomb sites and derelict buildings and erected the shapeless concrete lumps that have made the ’70s the shining beacon of architectural splendor that it is.",
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      "text": "Was it better to die in the illusion of sunshine and warmth or face death in a cold darkness of reality? Was it better to die in happy ignorance or terrified knowledge? The answer, if you’re a Londoner, is that it’s better not to die at all.",
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      "text": "As Conan the Barbarian famously said, “That which does not kill us does not kill us.”",
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      "text": "The police can live with looking corrupt, bullying, or tyrannical, but looking stupid is intolerable. It has a tendency to undermine public faith in the forces of Law and is deleterious to public order.",
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      "text": "“There’s more to life than just London,” said Nightingale. “People keep saying that,” I said. “But I’ve never actually seen any proof.”",
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      "text": "Like young men from the dawn of time, I decided to choose the risk of death over certain humiliation.",
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      "text": "Five hundred years ago the notoriously savvy Henry VIII discovered an elegant way to solve both his theological problems and his personal liquidity crisis—he dissolved the monasteries and nicked all their land. Since the principle of any rich person who wants to stay rich is, never give anything away unless you absolutely have to, the land has stayed with Crown ever since.",
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      "text": "You don’t actually know enough about me to insult me properly.",
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      "text": "When you’re a musician free is a magic number.",
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      "text": "So just chalk it up to pixie dust or quantum entanglement, which was the same thing as pixie dust except with the word “quantum” in it.",
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      "text": "“The scope of your ignorance, Peter,” said Seawoll, “is truly frightening.”",
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      "text": "“Is that your professional opinion?” “Yes.” “Which as usual,” said Seawoll, “is as about as useful as a chocolate teapot.”",
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      "text": "She had the startled rabbit look that civilians get after five minutes of helping the police with their inquiries. If they stay calm for too long it’s a sign that they’re professional villains or foreign or just plain stupid. All of which can get you locked up if you’re not careful. If you find yourself talking to the police, my advice is to stay calm but look guilty; it’s your safest bet.",
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      "text": "“Cyrus was a musician?” I asked. “He played the alto sax.” “And he played jazz?” Another brief smile. “Is there any other kind of music?”",
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      "text": "“Have you ever been to London?” I asked. “No,” said Ash. “I’ve never even been in town before. Our dad doesn’t hold with that sort of thing.” “Don’t worry, it’s basically just like the country,” I said. “Only with more people.”",
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      "text": "Apparently he was a bit of a connoisseur, having been introduced to Verdi soon after having risen to the rank of commander. A sudden attack of culture snobbery is a common affliction among policemen of a certain rank and age; it’s like a normal midlife crisis, only with more chandeliers and foreign languages.",
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      "text": "“You shouldn’t make jokes about these things,” she said. “Science doesn’t have all the answers, you know.” “It’s got all the best questions, though.”",
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      "text": "That’s the trouble with the younger generation. They don’t understand why a thing can’t be done, so they go ahead and do it.",
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      "text": "Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace. Our approach to the Christian life is as absurd as the enthusiastic young man who had just received his plumber’s license and was taken to see Niagara Falls. He studied it for a minute and then said, \"I think I can fix this.\"",
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      "text": "“The National Hot Air Museum is just down the road a piece,” he added. “Better known by its branch names: the Capitol and the White House.”",
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      "text": "“It’s an old trick,” the security chief said. “Reverse cunning, we call it in the security game; indistinguishable from utter stupidity.”",
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      "text": "“Isn‘t there some trouble about money?” “They wouldn‘t be very rich, Duchess.” “What a blessing for them! But then, perhaps, they‘d be very poor.” “They would be rather poor.” “Which is not a blessing.”",
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      "text": "“Your beauty leaves me breathless,” said Pereban. “Yet you find the breath to say so.”",
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      "text": "There are two clever tricks men know. One is to make much of nothing. The second is to make nothing of much.",
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      "text": "Out here you better have a gun, and a gun in the wagon ain't good for nothin'. I believe what the old Quaker said,\"Trust in the Lord, but keep your powder dry.\"",
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      "text": "I could never mix in the common murmur of that rising generation against monogamy, because no restriction on sex seemed so odd and unexpected as sex itself.",
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      "text": "For if this book is a joke it is a joke against me. I am the man who with the utmost daring discovered what had been discovered before. If there is an element of farce in what follows, the farce is at my own expense; for this book explains how I fancied I was the first to set foot in Brighton and then found I was the last. It recounts my elephantine adventures in pursuit of the obvious. No one can think my case more ludicrous than I think it myself; no reader can accuse me here of trying to make a fool of him: I am the fool of this story, and no rebel shall hurl me from my throne. I freely confess all the idiotic ambitions of the end of the nineteenth century. I did, like all other solemn little boys, try to be in advance of the age. Like them I tried to be some ten minutes in advance of the truth. And I found that I was eighteen hundred years behind it. I did strain my voice with a painfully juvenile exaggeration in uttering my truths. And I was punished in the fittest and funniest way, for I have kept my truths: but I have discovered, not that they were not truths, but simply that they were not mine. When I fancied that I stood alone I was really in the ridiculous position of being backed up by all Christendom. It may be, Heaven forgive me, that I did try to be original; but I only succeeded in inventing all by myself an inferior copy of the existing traditions of civilized religion. The man from the yacht thought he was the first to find England; I thought I was the first to find Europe. I did try to found a heresy of my own; and when I had put the last touches to it, I discovered that it was orthodoxy.",
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      "text": "“Not safe?” I asked, all innocence. “Surely it isn’t illegal here to complain about young people these days? How cruel. I had thought it a basic part of human nature, one of the few universally practiced human customs.”",
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      "text": "There are one hundred and ninety-three living species of monkeys and apes. One hundred and ninety-two of them are covered with hair. The exception is a naked ape self-named Homo sapiens. This unusual and highly successful species spends a great deal of time examining his higher motives and an equal amount of time studiously ignoring his fundamental ones.",
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      "text": "In reality, the universe is neutral about our existence. Only dogs care.",
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      "text": "In the armoury of man, charm is the enchanted dart, light and subtle as a hummingbird. But it is deceptive in one thing - like a sense of humour, if you think you've got it, you probably haven't.",
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      "text": "We trolls say: “Make Philosophy your evening guest, but do not let her stay the night.”",
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      "text": "Finding a woman with a sense of humor had been the one piece of advice his father had given him when he'd first begun to get serious about dating, and he finally understood why his dad had considered it important. If conversation was the lyrics, laughter was the music, making time spent together a melody that could be replayed over and over without getting stale.",
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      "text": "He liked the style, that wry gallows humor armed with the semblance of omniscience; a most serviceable style it was, the dialect of the initiated, protecting them from their disillusionments, their fears, their well-concealed childish hopes.",
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      "text": "Harry Dresden: I can't believe I'm about to say this. So think real careful about where this is coming from: Have you people ever considered talking when you've got a problem?",
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      "text": "Sanya, Knight of the Cross: Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.",
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      "text": "Truth may be stranger than fiction, goes the old saw, but it is never as strange as lies. (Or, for that matter, as true.)",
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      "text": "If there is a hell, perhaps it consists in living up to all one’s promises.",
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      "text": "First we had the legs race. Then we had the arms race. Now we're going to have the brain race. And, if we're lucky, the final stage will be the human race.",
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      "text": "“How does it feel to have just changed the course of history?” “I don’t know what you mean,” said the navigator. “To my way of thinking, by the time history happens I’m going to be dead.”",
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      "text": "SHALMANESER That real cool piece of hardware up at the GT tower. They say he's apt to evolve to true consciousness one day. Also they say he's as intelligent as a thousand of us put together, which isn't really saying much, because when you put a thousand of us together look how stupidly we behave.",
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      "text": "Now, there are some, and I don’t just mean Communists like you, but thinking men of all political parties, who think that not many of these gods actually exist. Some believe that ‘’none’’ of them exist. There’s just us and an ocean of darkness around us. I’m no philosopher or poet, how would I know the truth? It’s true that all these gods seem to do awfully little work—much like our politicians—and yet keep winning reelection to their golden thrones in heaven, year after year. That’s not to say that I don’t respect them, Mr. Premier! Don’t you ever let that blasphemous idea into your yellow skull. My country is the kind where it pays to play it both ways: the Indian entrepreneur has to be straight and crooked, mocking and believing, sly and sincere, at the same time.",
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      "text": "When the people found that they were none the better for the blessings of the Druids, and none the worse for the curses of the Druids, but, that the sun shone and the rain fell without consulting the Druids at all, they just began to think that the Druids were mere men, and that it signified very little whether they cursed or blessed. After which, the pupils of the Druids fell greatly off in numbers, and the Druids took to other trades.",
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      "text": "I am not successful and I probably never will be. I look around and I see successful people, and I see that they have something I don't—success. Perhaps they were born that way, or perhaps they figured something out that I can never seem to learn. I don't know. That's why I'm not successful.",
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      "text": "It is better to curse the darkness than to light a candle, because, first of all, how much light is one candle going to shed anyway? And secondly, what is there to see that is so important? Whereas cursing is always satisfying. The next time I find myself in the dark, I will curse heartily.",
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      "text": "When I am tired, it is easy to believe that my exhaustion is the reason I am depressed and lonely and uninspired. But when I am well-rested [sic], I can realize that these negative feelings are not a result of too little sleep. They are a result of my being a miserable, hopeless, misanthropic wretch.",
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      "text": "He was the epitome of acting out to get attention. I think everyone acknowledged his jokes as a kind of defense mechanism. ('Humor? That's my lizard tail. You can look at that while I run away,' he'd once said.)",
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      "text": "My experience of ships is that on them one makes an interesting discovery about the world. One finds one can do without it completely.",
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      "text": "I've often thought that my scruples about stealing books were the only thing that stood in the way of my being a really great scholar.",
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      "text": "\"We got a course in picknicking at the university,\" said Dr. Bourbon. \"It's called Geology, but it's really picknicking.\"",
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      "text": "I do not think I have any uncharitable prejudice against the rattle-snake, still, I should not like to be one. If I were a rattle-snake now, there would be no such thing as being genial with men — men would be afraid of me, and then I should be a very lonesome and miserable rattle-snake.",
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      "text": "It is very queer that the unhappiness of the world is often brought on by small men. They are so much more energetic and uncompromising than the big fellows.",
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      "text": "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!-incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who \"didn't know what fear was,\" we ought always to add the flea-and put him at the head of the procession.",
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      "text": "\"I wish I owned half of that dog.\" \"Why?\" somebody asked. \"Because I would kill my half.\" The group searched his face with curiosity, with anxiety even, but found no light there, no expression that they could read. They fell away from him as from something uncanny, and went into privacy to discuss him. One said: \"'Pears to be a fool.\" \"'Pears?\" said another. \"Is, I reckon you better say.\" \"Said he wished he owned half of the dog, the idiot,\" said a third. \"What did he reckon would become of the other half if he killed his half? Do you reckon he thought it would live?\"",
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      "text": "The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.",
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      "text": "All say, \"How hard it is that we have to die\" — a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.",
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      "text": "There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1 — to tell him you have read one of his books; 2 — to tell him you have read all of his books; 3 — to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.",
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      "text": "Take my advice, don't carry bags, For bags are just as bad as swags; They're never made to measure. To see the world, your simple trick Is but to take a walking-stick— Assume an air of pleasure, And tell the people near and far You stroll about because you are A Gentleman of Leisure.",
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      "text": "Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was his rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.",
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      "text": "I tell you, sir, that the end of the world has come. No one has ever beheld such outbreaks among the students! It is the accursed inventions of this century that are ruining everything, —artilleries, bombards, and, above all, printing, that other German pest. No more manuscripts, no more books! Printing will kill bookselling. It is the end of the world that is drawing nigh.",
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      "text": "To a text-based life-form, unpredictable syntax and poor grammar is a source of huge discomfort. Ill-fitting grammar are like ill-fitting shoes. You can get used to it for a bit, but then one day your toes fall off and you can’t walk to the bathroom. Poor syntax is even worse. Change word order and a sentence useless for anyone Yoda except you have.",
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      "text": "About ten degrees upslope of Fiction, I could see our nearest neighbor: Artistic Criticism. It was an exceptionally beautiful island, yet deeply troubled, confused and suffused with a blanketing layer of almost impenetrable bullshit.",
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      "text": "“Friday may have tricked his parents, the SHE and half the ChronoGuard, but there’s one person no teenage boy ever managed to fool.” “And that is?” “His younger sister.”",
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      "text": "“Do I have to talk to insane people?” “You’re a librarian now. I’m afraid it’s mandatory.”",
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      "text": "“You’ll forgive me for saying this,” said Webastow, looking over his glasses, “but this is the most harebrained piece of unadulterated stupidity that any government has ever undertaken anywhere.” “Thank you very much,” replied Ms. Yogert courteously. “I’ll make sure your compliments are forwarded to Prime Minister van de Post.”",
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      "text": "“How is the book going?” I asked returning to my knitting. “The self-help stuff?” “The magnum opus.” Landen looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, “More opus than magnum. I’m trying to figure out whether the lack of progress is writer’s block, procrastination, idleness or just plain incompetence.”",
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      "text": "I just had an idea for a cheap form of power: by bringing pasta and antipasta together, we could be looking at the utter annihilation of ravioli and liberation of vast quantities of energy.",
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      "text": "How about this for a title: Men Are from Earth, Women Are from Earth—Just Deal with It.",
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      "text": "The dangerously high level of the stupidity surplus was once again the lead story in the The Owl that Morning. The reason for the crisis was clear: Prime Minister Redmond van de Poste and his ruling Commonsense Party had been discharging their duties with a reckless degree of responsibility that bordered on inspired sagacity. Instead of drifting from one crisis to the next and appeasing the nation with a steady stream of knee-jerk legislation and headline-grabbing but arguably pointless initiatives, they had been resolutely building a raft of considered long-term plans that concentrated on unity, fairness and tolerance. It was a state of affairs deplored by Mr. Alfredo Traficcone, leader of the opposition Prevailing Wind Party, who wanted to lead the nation back onto the safer grounds of uninformed stupidity.",
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      "text": "“Incredibly enough, reality TV has just gotten worse.” “Is that possible? I asked. “Wasn’t Celebrity Trainee Pathologist the pits?” I thought for a moment. “Actually, Whose Life Support Do We Switch Off? was worse. Or maybe Sell Your Granny. Wow, the choice these days makes it also tricky to decide. Bowden laughed. “I’ll agree that Granny lowered the bar for distasteful program makers everywhere, but RTA-TV, never one to shrink from a challenge, has devised Samaritan Kidney Swap. Ten renal-failure patients take turns trying to convince a tissue-typed donor—and the voting viewers—which one should have his spare kidney.” I groaned. Reality TV was to me the worst form of entertainment—the modern equivalent of paying sixpence to watch lunatics howling at the wall down at the local madhouse.",
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      "text": "Hamlet would worry about having nothing to worry about if he had nothing to worry about.",
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      "text": "Tyrants are all the same—shocking temper when they don’t get their own way!",
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      "text": "“The stupidity surplus,” repeated Landen as he sat down at the kitchen table, “I’m all for responsible government, but storing it up like this is bound to cause problems sooner or later—even by acting sensibly, the government has shown itself to be a bunch of idiots.” “There are a lot of idiots in this country,” I replied absently, “and they deserve representation as much as the next man.”",
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      "text": "“How is the faith-unification business?” “We’ve nearly got everyone,” said Joffy with a smile. “The atheists came on board last week. Once we had suggested that ‘god’ could be a set of essentially beneficent physical rules of the cosmos, they were only too happy to join. In fact, apart from a few scattered remnants of faith leaders who can’t quite come to terms with the loss of their power, influence and associated funny hats, it’s all looking pretty good.”",
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      "text": "“You’re crazy!” “Undoubtedly. But look around you. You followed me in here. Who’s crazier? The crazy or the crazy who follows him?”",
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      "text": "Don’t ever call me mad, Mycroft. I’m not mad. I’m just...well, differently moraled, that’s all.",
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      "text": "Marriage, like spinach and opera, was something I had never thought I would like.",
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      "text": "“It was a coincidence.” “I don’t believe in coincidences.” “Neither do I. That’s a coincidence, isn’t it?”",
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      "text": "“Do you know what the worst bit about dying is?” “Tell me, Gran.” “You never get to see how it all turns out.”",
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      "text": "“We’re fine, Joff. You?” “Not that good, Thurs. The Church of the Global Standard Deity has undergone a split.” “No!” I said with his much surprise and concern in my voice as I could muster. “I’m afraid so. The new Global Standard Clockwise Deity have broken away due to unresolvable differences over the direction in which the collection plate is passed round.” “Another split? That’s the third this week!” “Fourth,” replied Joffy dourly, “and it’s only Tuesday. The Standardized pro-Baptist conjoined Methodarian-Lutherian sisters of something-or-other split into two subgroups yesterday. Soon,” he added grimly, “there won’t be enough ministers to man the splits.”",
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      "text": "You’ve got a face longer than a Dickens novel.",
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      "text": "“It’s easy. A lobotomized monkey could do it.” “And where are we going to find a lobotomized monkey at this time of night?”",
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      "text": "Accidents will occur in the best regulated families; and in families not regulated by that pervading influence which sanctifies while it enhances the—a—I would say, in short, by the influence of Woman, in the lofty character of Wife, they may be expected with confidence, and must be borne with philosophy.",
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      "text": "\"I am ruminating,\" said Mr. Pickwick, \"on the strange mutability of human affairs.\" \"Ah! I see — in at the palace door one day, out at the window the next. Philosopher, Sir?\" \"An observer of human nature, Sir,\" said Mr. Pickwick. \"Ah, so am I. Most people are when they've little to do and less to get.\"",
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      "text": "Whenever the Buffs and Blues met together at public meeting ... disputes and high words arose between them... Everything in Eatanswill was made a party question. If the Buffs proposed to new skylight the market-place, the Blues got up public meetings, and denounced the proceeding; if the Blues proposed the erection of an additional pump in the High Street, the Buffs rose as one man and stood aghast at the enormity.",
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      "text": "Take example by your father, my boy, and be very careful o’ widders all your life, specially if they’ve kept a public house, Sammy.",
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      "text": "\"It's always best on these occasions to do what the mob do.\" \"But suppose there are two mobs?\" suggested Mr. Snodgrass. \"Shout with the largest,\" replied Mr. Pickwick.",
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      "text": "as we stagger toward the millenium, I can only hope that this modest oeuvre--as we often say in Amarillo will remind you that we need to stop and laugh along the way. We live in a Great Nation, but those who attempt to struggle through it unarmed with a sense of humor are apt to wind up in my Aunt Eula's Fort Worth Home for the Terminally Literal-Minded, gibbering like some demented neoconservative about the Decline of Civilization. Any nation that can survive what we have lately in the way of government is on the high road to permanent glory. So hang in there, keep fightin' for freedom, raise more hell, and don't forget to laugh, too. (Preface)",
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      "text": "Ah suppose man, ah'm too much ay a perfectionist, ken? It's likesay, if things go a bit dodgy, ah jist cannae be bothered, y'know?",
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      "text": "“It’s a nice toy and makes a lot of noise and looks impressive and will kill a man. But it’s wasteful and inefficient.” “You make it sound like a congressman,” Sam said.",
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      "text": "The idea is to generate paperwork. The word could hardly be more apt. Paper is work. Paper is the big employer. Someone fills out a form (in triplicate), someone files one copy, the other copy goes somewhere else to be filed by someone else, the third is retained by the customer for his records. The most insignificant transaction must be scrupulously recorded and logged, filed and stored, even, on occasion, retrieved. On a trip to Libya, p. 183.",
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      "text": "It is a mark of insincerity of purpose to spend one's time in looking for the sacred Emperor in the low-class tea-shops.",
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      "text": "Should a person on returning from the city discover his house to be in flames, let him examine well the change which he has received from the chair-carrier before it is too late; for evil never travels alone.",
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      "text": "Although there exist many thousand subjects for elegant conversation, there are persons who cannot meet a cripple without talking about feet.",
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      "text": "Alas! It is well written, \"The road to eminence lies through the cheap and exceedingly uninviting eating-houses.\"",
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      "text": "Dave was committed to making it a truly memorable weekend in the sense that he would remember nothing whatsoever about it. “It’s all about moderation,” he said, “Everything in moderation. Even moderation itself. From this it follows that you must from time to time, have excess. And this is going to be one of those occasions.” (p. 152).",
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      "text": "\"This phone will connect you to people everywhere, except for where you are, and sever you from God forever. Apple.\"",
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      "text": "Apparently I am what is known as an Unreliable Narrator, though of course if you believe everything you’re told you deserve whatever you get.",
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      "text": "“Want to bet on it?” “Thank you, no. I believe gambling to be a pastime for the weak-minded.”",
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      "text": "“She seems very sincere,” Asura told Pieter. “A word with oddly positive connotations,” Peter said, nodding. “In my experience those who are most sincere are also the most morally suspect, as well as being incapable of producing or appreciating wit.”",
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      "text": "Ah, dear. How fine the line is between acceptably defiant bravado and hopelessly delusional boasting.",
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      "text": "“Aah...Yes, and how does madam wish to pay?” She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”",
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      "text": "There now; cynical, paranoid and pessimistic. I think that completes the set, doesn’t it?",
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      "text": "Roundly insulting one’s superiors behind their backs was one of the perks of being inferior, Choubris held.",
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      "text": "“Well, it all sounds most unpleasant,” Droffo said. He shook his head. “You hear all sorts of ridiculous stories; the workers are full of them. Too much drink, too little learning.” “No, more than that, sir,” Neguste told him. “These are facts.” “I think I might dispute that,” Droffo said. “All the same, sir, facts is facts. That itself’s a fact.”",
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      "text": "“Oh. I didn’t realise.” “Then you’re simply ignorant rather than malevolent. Congratulations.”",
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      "text": "“But even if all the other stuff seems a bit esoteric, just think of all those other avatars at all those other gatherings, concerts, dances, ceremonies, parties and meals; think of all that talk, all those ideas, all that sparkle and wit!” “Think of all that bullshit, the nonsense and non-sequiturs, the self-aggrandisement and self-deception, the boring stupid nonsense, the pathetic attempts to impress or ingratiate, the slow-wittedness, the incomprehension and the incomprehensible, the gland-addled meanderings and general suffocating dullness.”",
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      "text": "“One of the advantages of having laws is the pleasure one may take in breaking them. We here are not children, Mr. Gurgeh.” Hamin waved the pipestem round the tables of people. “Rules and laws exist only because we take pleasure in doing what they forbid, but as long as most of the people obey such proscriptions most of the time, they have done their job; blind obedience would imply we are—ha!”—Hamin chuckled and pointed at the drone with the pipe—“no more than robots!”",
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      "text": "“I think I know the real reason.” “Which is?” “Alcohol in the dust clouds. Goddamn stuff is everywhere. Any lousy species ever invents the telescope and the spectroscope and starts looking in between the stars, what do they find?” He knocked the glass on the table. “Loads of stuff, but much of it alcohol.” He drank from the glass. “Humanoids are the galaxy’s way of trying to get rid of all that alcohol.”",
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      "text": "“You like music, Mr. Gurgeh?” Hamin asked, leaning over to the man. Gurgeh nodded. “Well, a little does no harm.”",
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      "text": "‎Sometimes traveling people will be talking together. They will say how good it is in some places and how bad it is in others. And, sooner or later, one of them is bound to mention it. \"Talk about really being out in the boondocks!\" he will say, \"there's a little planet named Earth —\"",
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      "text": "The distribution of tasks among the various employees follows a simple rule, which is that the duty of the members of each category is to do as much work as they possibly can, so that only a small part of that work need be passed to the category above. This means that the clerks are obliged to work without cease from morning to night, whereas the senior clerks do so only now and then, the deputies very rarely, and the Registrar almost never.",
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      "text": "After a momentary silence spake Some Vessel of a more ungainly Make; \"They sneer at me for leaning all awry: What! did the Hand then of the Potter shake?\"",
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      "text": "And strange to tell, among that Earthen Lot Some could articulate, while others not: And suddenly one more impatient cried — \"Who is the Potter, pray, and who the Pot?\"",
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      "text": "Patton stared at him. “Then why doesn’t he throw you in irons, the way you deserve?” “Because he knows I think with my head, not with my heart or my balls,” Potter answered. “It’s really a useful technique. You ought to try it one of these days…sir.”",
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      "text": "Anxious, he asked, “My dear, how are you?” “As the good Lord meant me to be,” she answered, to which he found no response. She went on, “Pretty soon I’ll see Him face-to-face, and I intend to have a good long talk with Him about the way things do go on in this here world.” “Good,” Douglass said. “I’m sure He could have made a much better job of things had He had you to advise Him.”",
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      "text": "What is the odds so long as the fire of soul is kindled at the taper of conwiviality, and the wing of friendship never moults a feather! What is the odds so long as the spirit is expanded by means of rosy wine, and the present moment is the least happiest of our existence!",
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      "text": "Minerva House … was \"a finishing establishment for young ladies,\" where some twenty girls of the ages from thirteen to nineteen inclusive, acquired a smattering of everything and a knowledge of nothing.",
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      "text": "If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.",
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      "text": "You will not have forgotten that it was a maxim with Foxey — our revered father, gentlemen — \"Always suspect everybody.\" That's the maxim to go through life with!",
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      "text": "“Humans are unique in holding their gods so cheap they peck at them like pigeons, constantly intruding upon them with prayer! Prayer from all sides of every conflict, prayer before each contest, during every issue. Private prayer, public prayer, shepherded prayer baa-ed from congregation, sports prayer before games, prayer parroted and prayer spontaneous, endless instructions to god, endless...plockutta. “‘Intercede for me and solve my problems; give me, grant us; hear the words I’m saying; suspend the laws of nature in this instance; cure her; save him; don’t let them; listen to me; do this!’” The Visitor sighed. “Beneath it, one hears devils’ laughter.”",
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      "text": "Don’t take me for a fool, lovely girl. We fat old things have not laid aside our brains with our silhouettes.",
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      "text": "Fairy things don’t impress cats. Fairy things and holy things. Cats are, perhaps, a separate creation.",
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      "text": "“An itchy man is prey to discontent; he’ll suage his flea bites with the blood of kings.” Surely the common man wouldn’t want that!” “What common men want most is beer and sex, without disturbances.”",
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      "text": "The sidesaddle was designed to protect a maiden’s virginity, while risking the maiden’s neck. Rather much for rather little, I thought.",
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      "text": "“As good Catholic children, our destiny was to be guilty over sex, to have lots of babies, and to partake of the sacraments sufficiently often to assure that we’d go to heaven when we died.” “Right,” said Bertran. “And in the fundamentalist church down the block, they learned their destiny was to be guilty over sex, to worship the flag (in defiance of the first and second commandments), and to be born again sufficiently often to assure they’d go to heaven when they died, though I’m not sure whether it was the same heaven or not. In fact, the only real difference between us and them was whether we ranked sperm or the flag slightly ahead of god.”",
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      "text": "Valvert: Your … your nose is … errr … Your nose … is very large! Cyrano: [gravely] Very. Valvert: [laughs] Ha! Cyrano: [imperturbable] Is that all? Valvert: But … Cyrano: Ah, no, young man, that is not enough! You might have said, dear me, there are a thousand things … varying the tone … For instance … Here you are: — Aggressive: \"I, monsieur, if I had such a nose, nothing would serve but I must cut it off!\" Amicable: \"It must be in your way while drinking; you ought to have a special beaker made!\" Descriptive: \"It is a crag! … a peak! … a promontory! … A promontory, did I say? … It is a peninsula!\" Inquisitive: \"What may the office be of that oblong receptacle? Is it an inkhorn or a scissor-case?\" Mincing: \"Do you so dote on birds, you have, fond as a father, been at pains to fit the little darlings with a roost?\" Blunt: \"Tell me, monsieur, you, when you smoke, is it possible you blow the vapor through your nose without a neighbor crying \"The chimney is afire!\"?\" Anxious: \"Go with caution, I beseech, lest your head, dragged over by that weight, should drag you over!\" Tender: \"Have a little sun-shade made for it! It might get freckled!\" Learned: \"None but the beast, monsieur, mentioned by Aristophanes, the hippocampelephantocamelos, can have borne beneath his forehead so much cartilage and bone!\" Off-Hand: \"What, comrade, is that sort of peg in style? Capital to hang one's hat upon!\" Emphatic: No wind can hope, O lordly nose, to give the whole of you a cold, but the Nor-Wester!\" Dramatic: \"It is the Red Sea when it bleeds!\" Admiring: \"What a sign for a perfumer's shop!\" Lyric: \"Art thou a Triton, and is that thy conch?\" Simple: \"A monument! When is admission free?\" Deferent: \"Suffer, monsieur, that I should pay you my respects: That is what I call possessing a house of your own!\" Rustic: \"Hi, boys! Call that a nose? You don't gull me! It's either a prize parrot or a stunted gourd!\" Military: \"Level against the cavalry!\" Practical: \"Will you put up for raffle? Indubitably, sir, it will be the feature of the game!\" And finally in parody of weeping Pyramus: \"Behold, behold the nose that traitorously destroyed the beauty of its master! and is blushing for the same!\" — That, my dear sir, or something not unlike, is what you could have said to me, had you the smallest leaven of letters or wit; but of wit, O most pitiable of objects made by God, you never had a rudiment, and of letters, you have just those that are needed to spell \"fool!\" — But, had it been otherwise, and had you been possessed of the fertile fancy requisite to shower upon me, here, in this noble company, that volley of sprightly pleasentries, still should you not have delivered yourself of so much as a quarter of the tenth part of the beginning of the first … For I let off these good things at myself, and with sufficient zest, but do not suffer another to let them off at me!\"",
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      "text": "Margaret Weylin complained because she couldn’t find anything to complain about.",
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      "text": "My father was as proud of his eloquence as MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO could be for his life, and and for aught I am convinced of to the contrary at present, with as much reason: it was indeed his strength — and his weakness, too. — His strength — for he was by nature eloquent — and his weakness — for he was hourly a dupe to it; and provided an occasion in life would but permit him to shew his talents, or say either a wise thing, a witty, or a shrewd one — (bating the case of a systematic misfortune)— he had all he wanted.— A blessing which tied up my father's tongue, and a misfortune which let it loose with a good grace, were pretty equal: sometimes, indeed, the misfortune was the better of the two; for instance, where the pleasure of the harangue was as ten, and the pain of the misfortune was as five — my father gained half in half, and consequently was as well again off, as if it had never befallen him.",
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      "text": "And what do they like doing best of all? They like taking off all their clothes—clothes over which they have expended so much effort and ingenuity—and doing biologically necessary but profoundly undignified things to other human beings. Any pig or spider can do that, it’s the easiest thing in the world. But you bloody humans, who can do so much that no other species could ever do, you can’t do that efficiently. You agonize over it. You make an incredible fuss over it. You get it all wrong, you make each others’ lives miserable, you write dreary letters and take overdoses. You even invent a medicine that deliberately makes the whole process futile. My God, what a species!",
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      "text": "It is galling, to say the least, to have been to every place in the world and then not know where somewhere is. It's rather like having a doctorate in semiconductor physics and not being able to wire a plug. You begin to wonder whether it's all been worthwhile.",
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      "text": "Malcolm had never been greatly inclined to metaphysical or religious speculation, but he had hoped that if there was a supreme being or divine agency, it would at least show the elements of logic and common sense in its actions. Seemingly, not so. On the other hand, the revelation that the destiny of the world had been shaped by a bunch of verbose idiots went some way towards explaining the problems of human existence.",
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      "text": "“It was basically a form of gambling, and it went something like this. “The Fuggers would think of something that was extremely unlikely to happen, and then they would persuade someone to wager them money that it would. Now the proper term for this arrangement is a sucker bet, but the Fuggers wanted to find a respectable name for it, so they called it Insurance. It caught on, just as they knew it would, and soon it became so respectable that they were able to get people to make a new bet every year, and they called this sort of bet a premium.”",
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      "text": "His role in history was rather like that of lettuce in the average salad; it achieves no useful purpose, but there's always a lot of it.",
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      "text": "“So you've never had any urge to rule the world, or anything like that?” “What, me?” Vanderdecker said. “No, I can't say I have. It would be nice to change some things, naturally.” Jane leaned forward and looked serious. “Such as?” Vanderdecker considered. “I don't know,” he said, “now you come to mention it. I can't actually think of anything that even remotely matters. You get such a wonderful sense of perspective at my age.”",
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      "text": "A pretty little collection of weaknesses and a terror of spiders are our indispensable stock-in-trade with the men... nine men out of ten are superstitious, nineteen out of twenty believe in the evil eye, and ninety-eight out of a hundred are afraid of spiders. They forgive us — oh! for many things, but not for the absence in us of their own feelings.",
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      "text": "“After all,” he muttered, “what can they do to shake the confidence of a fellow who’s got delusions of adequacy?”",
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      "text": "You don’t have conversations with microprocessors. You tell them what to do, then helplessly watch the disaster when they take you literally!",
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      "text": "Apparently, the Fates were not so unsubtle as to deal him another blow just yet. He knew they didn’t operate that way. They always let you hope for a while longer, then strung it out before they really let you have it.",
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      "text": "I have on occasion remarked that I felt confident that I could persuade a millionaire on a Friday to subsidize a revolution for Saturday out of which he would make a huge profit on Sunday even though he was certain to be executed on Monday.",
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      "text": "[T]he fifth rule: Ridicule is man's most potent weapon.",
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      "text": "He was a very dispirited Poet. He had never expected the world to act in a courteous, seemly, or even sensible manner, and the world had seldom done so; often he had taken heart in the consistency of its rudeness and stupidity. But never before had the world shot the Poet in the abdomen with a musket. This he found not heartening at all.",
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      "text": "Why not? That's a good reason for almost anything - a bit used perhaps, but still quite serviceable.",
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      "text": "\"What is it that separates human beings from the so called lower animals? Well as I see it, it's exactly one half dozen significant things: Humor, Imagination, Eroticism — as opposed to the mindless, instinctive mating of glow-worms or raccoons — Spirituality, Rebelliousness, and Aesthetics, an appreciation of beauty for its own sake. Now, since those are the features that define a human being, it follows that the extent to which someone is lacking in those qualities is the extent to which he or she is less than human. Capisce?\"",
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      "text": "Are you aware that rushing toward a goal is a sublimated death wish? It's no coincidence we call them 'deadlines'.",
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      "text": "The man and woman firmly shook hands. The solution to the overpopulation problem might rest in such handshakes.",
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      "text": "\"I'll follow him to the ends of the earth,\" she sobbed. Yes, darling. But the earth doesn't have any ends. Columbus fixed that.",
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      "text": "God.. crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, \"You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, ok? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go *snort* *splat* Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!\"",
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      "text": "We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.",
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      "text": "Cromwell: You don't seem to appreciate the seriousness of your position. More: I defy anyone to live in that cell for a year and not appreciate the seriousness of his position. Cromwell: Yet the State has harsher punishments. More: You threaten like a dockside bully. Cromwell: How should I threaten? More: Like a Minister of State, with justice! Cromwell: Oh, justice is what you're threatened with. More: Then I'm not threatened.",
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      "text": "On the information sheet in a New York hotel, I recently read: 'Dear guest! To guarantee that you will fully enjoy your stay with us, this hotel is totally smoke-free. For any infringement of this regulation, you will be charged $200.' The beauty of this formulation, taken literally, is that you are to be punished for refusing to fully enjoy your stay.",
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      "text": "'Father, why is the sky blue?' - the child is not really interested in the sky as such; the real stake of the question is to expose father's impotence, his helplessness in the face of the hard fact, to present the whole chain of reasons leading to it. The blue of the sky thus becomes not only the father's problem, but in a way even his fault. The sky is blue, and you're just staring at it like an idiot incapable of doing anything about it!",
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      "text": "...Tibetan prayer wheels: you write a prayer on a paper, put the rolled paper on a wheel, and turn it automatically, without thinking. In this way, the wheel itself is praying for me, instead of me - or more precisely, I myself am praying through the medium of the wheel. The beauty of it all is that in my psychological inferiority I can think about whatever I want, I can yield to the most dirty and obscene fantasies, and it does not matter because - to use a good old Stalinist expression - 'whatever I am thinking, objectively I am praying.'",
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      "text": "A well-known joke - a fool who thought he was a grain of corn. After some time in a mental hospital he was cured; now he knew that he was not a grain, but a man. So they let him out; but soon after he came running back saying, 'I met a hen and I was afraid she would try to eat me.' The doctors tried to calm him down. 'What are you afraid of? You know you are not a grain, but a man.' The fool answered: 'Yes of course I know that, but does the hen know?'",
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      "text": "I carefully pull down the window behind me, then run under the biggest willow, to the back fence. Who lives on the other side is a wealthy couple; at least their house is painted wealthy. It means they spend less time spying through their screen, not like Mrs Porter. Wealth makes you less nosey, in case you didn't know.",
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      "text": "It used to be said that by a certain age a man had the face that he deserved. Nowadays, he has the face he can afford.",
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      "text": "He sighed again. People were always trying this sort of thing. On the other hand, it was quite interesting to watch, and at least this was a bit more original than the usual symbolic chess game, which Death always dreaded because he could never remember how the knight was supposed to move.",
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      "text": "While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top, spreading his laugh out across the water — laughing at the girl, at the guys, at George, at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at the pier... and the Big Nurse and all of it. Because he knows you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy. He knows there's a painful side; he knows my thumb smarts and his girlfriend has a bruised breast and the doctor is losing his glasses, but he won't let the pain blot out the humor no more'n he'll let the humor blot out the pain.",
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      "text": "He is an extraordinary animal is the house fly. Go where you will you find him, and so it must have been always. I have seen him enclosed in amber, which is, I was told, quite half a million years old, looking exactly like his descendant of to-day, and I have little doubt but that when the last man lies dying on the earth he will be buzzing round – if this event should happen to occur in summer – watching for an opportunity to settle on his nose.",
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      "text": "After spending a week in Cape Town, finding that they overcharged me at the hotel, and having seen everything there was to see, including the botanical gardens, which seem to me likely to confer a great benefit on the country, and the new Houses of Parliament, which I expect will do nothing of the sort, I determined to go back to Natal.",
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      "text": "I do not have the time to give you more than my contempt.",
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      "slug": "something-always-manages",
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      "text": "“Something always manages to draw me near the tree that lightning is about to fall upon.” “Destiny, sir.” “Rather an accidental social conscience and some right mistake-making, I fear.”",
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      "text": "\"You fertility deities are worse than Marxists,\" he said. \"You think that's all that goes on between people. We were just friends for a time, but she is too hard on her friends and so loses them.\"",
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      "text": "\"Your prayers and your curses come to the same, Lord Yama,\" commented the ape. \"That is to say, nothing.\" \"It has taken you seventeen incarnations to arrive at this truth?\" said Yama. \"I can see then why you are still doing time as an ape.\"",
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      "text": "The Buddha, looking imperturbable, returned his attention to the drama. A monk seated nearby noticed he was tapping his fingers on the ground, and he decided that the Enlightened One must be keeping time with the drumbeats, for it was common knowledge that he was above such things as impatience.",
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      "text": "Good luck. No gods be with you!",
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      "text": "\"For a spur of the moment thing, you came up with a fairly engaging sermon.\" \"Thanks.\" \"Do you really believe what you preached?\" Sam laughed. \"I'm very gullible when it comes to my own words. I believe everything I say, though I know I'm a liar.\"",
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      "text": "Some quicksand is quicker than other quicksand. Fortunately, you are settling into that of the slower sort. [...] In the meantime, I suggest you solicit aid of my followers or learn the difficult art of mud-breathing.",
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      "slug": "there-is-a-huge",
      "url": "https://www.leafyquotes.com/roger-zelazny/lord-of-light/there-is-a-huge",
      "text": "There is a huge, burnished metal door, erected by the First, that is heavy as sin, three times the height of a man and half that distance in width. It is a full cubit thick and bears a head-sized ring of brass, a complicated pressure-plate lock and an inscription that reads, roughly, \"Go away. This is not a place to be. If you do try to enter here, you will fail and also be cursed. If somehow you succeed, then do not complain that you entered unwarned, nor bother us with your deathbed prayers.\" Signed, \"The Gods.\"",
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      "url": "https://www.leafyquotes.com/nathaniel-hawthorne/the-blithedale-romance/i-seriously-wished-selfish",
      "text": "I seriously wished—selfish as it may appear—that the reformation of society had been postponed about half a century, or, at all events, to such a date as should have put my intermeddling with it entirely out of the question.",
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      "author": {
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      "text": "Nobody has any conscience about adding to the improbabilities of a marvelous tale.",
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        "name": "Nathaniel Hawthorne",
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      "text": "In view of my previous weariness of office, and vague thoughts of resignation, my fortune somewhat resembled that of a person who should entertain an idea of committing suicide, and, altogether beyond his hopes, meet with the good hap to be murdered.",
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      "author": {
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      "text": "The moment when a man's head drops off is seldom or never, I am inclined to think, precisely the most agreeable of his life. Nevertheless, like the greater part of our misfortunes, even so serious a contingency brings its remedy and consolation with it, if the sufferer will but make the best, rather than the worst, of the accident which has befallen him.",
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      "text": "As I suggested to John Major (a British Prime Minister) when he told us that socialism was dead, he should not be too triumphant. After all, until his predecessor Mrs Thatcher revived it, we thought feudalism pretty much over and done with, too.",
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      "text": "“He complains that I don’t really understand the importance of it all. He thinks my loyalties are sometimes divided.” They were quite a long way behind the men. Mitzi smirked. “Of course, that’s impossible. I haven’t any loyalties at all.”",
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      "text": "“The schizophrenic condition finds its most glorious expression in Hinduism,” remarked Professor Hira. “Whereas Christianity is an expression of the much less interesting paranoid frame of reference. Paranoia is rarely heroic, in the mythical sense, at least.”",
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      "text": "“There’s more to life than drugs and sex, Mr. Cornelius.” “There’s more than life to drugs and sex. It’s better than nothing.”",
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      "text": "“We’re not going to climb that in the dark, are we?” asked Iimmi. “Better than in the light,” said Urson. “This way you can’t see how far you have to fall.”",
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      "text": "As for the \"solitary confinement of the mind,\" my theory is that solipsism, like other absurdities of the professional philosopher, is a product of too much time wasted in library stacks between the covers of a book, in smoke-filled coffeehouses (bad for brains) and conversation-clogged seminars. To refute the solipsist or the metaphysical idealist all that you have to do is take him out and throw a rock at his head: if he ducks he's a liar. His logic may be airtight but his argument, far from revealing the delusions of living experience, only exposes the limitations of logic.",
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      "text": "I would say the main competition for the book is the video because for some reason people feel they need to come home with a rectangular block of something that they don't know the end of. The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.",
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      "text": "That's what annoys me about sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, \"You may have already won,\" and we all buy into it. [...] I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just be honest with people one time. Send out envelopes, \"You have definitely lost.\" You turn it over, giant printing, \"Not even close!\"",
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      "text": "The world won't end with a whimper or a bang, but with a discreet, tasteful announcement: 'Bill Rivervale, phone call holding, line two.' Then nothing.",
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      "text": "\"Just remember, life is a box of chocolates\" I shook my head a few times and looked at her. \"Maybe I'm not so smart, but sometimes I don't know what on earth you're talking about.\" \"You know, they've got these cookie assortments, and you like some but you don't like others? And you eat all the ones you like,and the only ones left are the ones you don't like as much? I always think about that when something painful comes up. 'Now I just have to polish these off, and everything'll be OK.' Life is a box of cookies.\" \"I suppose you could call it a philosophy.\" \"It's true, though. I've learned it from experience.\"",
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      "text": "\"I have a lot more patience for others than I have for myself, and I'm much better at bringing out the best in others than in myself. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm the scratchy stuff on the side of the matchbox. But that's fine with me. I don't mind at all. Better to be a first-class matchbox than a second-class match.\"",
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      "text": "I always say—a prejudice on my part, I'm sure—you can tell a lot about a person's character from his choice of sofa. Sofas constitute a realm inviolate unto themselves. This, however, is something that only those who have grown up sitting on good sofas will appreciate. It's like growing up reading good books or listening to good music. One good sofa breeds another good sofa; one bad sofa breeds another bad sofa. That's how it goes. There are people who drive luxury cars, but have only second- or third-rate sofas in their homes. I put little trust in such people. An expensive automobile may well be worth its price, but it's only an expensive automobile. If you have the money, you can buy it, anyone can buy it. Procuring a good sofa, on the other hand, requires style and experience and philosophy. It takes money, yes, but you also need a vision of the superior sofa. That sofa among sofas.",
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      "text": "“Why are you always so full of answers?” “Because life’s so full of questions.”",
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      "text": "“What’s that all about?” Golden said to his wife, a rhetorical question. She looked at him and said nothing, a non-rhetorical answer.",
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      "text": "Predictions are uttered by prophets (free of charge); by clairvoyants (who usually charge a fee, and are therefore more honored in their day than prophets); and by futurologists (salaried). Prediction is the business of prophets, clairvoyants, and futurologists. It is not the business of novelists. A novelist’s business is lying.",
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      "text": "The experience was disagreeable. I began to feel like an atheist praying.",
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      "text": "The First Envoy to a world always comes alone. One alien is a curiosity, two are an invasion.",
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      "text": "It is not altogether a bad thing to have criminal ancestors. An arsonist grandfather may bequeath one a nose for smelling smoke.",
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      "text": "The departments don’t report the problem because a good manager knows the only reason to call Senior Management, ever, is to deliver good news. People who ring Senior Management with problems do not have much of a future at Zephyr Holdings. Senior Management is not there to hold departmental hands. It is there to dispense stock options.",
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      "text": "[about the woman who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot] We have trouble convicting people who confess to murder, but this woman is able to take three mil off of McDonald's? If the judge had any common sense, the trial should have gone like this: \"Will the defendant please rise? Yeah, it's your fault. You're stupid. Coffee is supposed to be hot. Why didn't you blow on it before you chugged it down like a pledge having his first beer? Get out of my courtroom you stupid, stupid woman. Take your pinstriped parasite lawyer with you. Next case!\"",
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      "text": "The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.\"",
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      "text": "I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.",
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      "text": "The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.",
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      "text": "I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of \"Whole Lotta Love.\"",
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      "text": "\"Indeed Bugg. is it because, do you think, at the human core, we are naught but liars and cheats?\" \"Probably.\" \"With no hope of ever overcoming our instinctive nastiness?\" \"Hard to say. How have we done so far?\"",
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      "text": "Wise words are like arrows flung at your forehead. What do you do? Why, you duck of course.",
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      "text": "Kallor said: “I walked this land when the T’lan Imass were but children. I have commanded armies a hundred thousand strong. I have spread the fire of my wrath across entire continents, and sat alone upon tall thrones. Do you grasp the meaning of this?” “Yes,” said Caladan Brood, “you never learn.”",
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      "text": "“Tell me, Tool, what dominates your thoughts?” The Imass shrugged before replying. “I think of futility, Adjunct.” “Do all Imass think about futility?” “No. Few think at all.” “Why is that?” The Imass leaned his head to one side and regarded her. “Because, Adjunct, it is futile.”",
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      "text": "The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.",
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      "text": "The thing they wouldn't be expecting him to do was to be there in the first place. Only an absolute idiot would be sitting where he was, so he was winning already. A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.",
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      "text": "One of the problems has to do with the speed of light and the difficulties involved in trying to exceed it. You can't. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.",
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      "text": "\"Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.\"",
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      "text": "It wasn't [the Captain's] job to worry about that, though. It was his job to do his job, which was to do his job. If that led to a certain narrowness of vision and circularity of thought, then it wasn't his job to worry about such things. Any such things that came his way were referred to others, who had, in turn, other people to refer such things to.",
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      "text": "If you'd like to know, I can tell you that in your universe you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call time, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets a bit complicated, and there's all sort of stuff going on in dimensions thirteen to twenty-two that you really wouldn't want to know about. All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place. I can easily not say words like \"damn\" if it offends you.",
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      "text": "Somewhere on a fetid, fog-bound mud bank on [Vogsphere] there stands, surrounded by the dirty, broken and empty carapaces of the last few jeweled scuttling crabs, a small stone monument which marks the place where, it is thought, the species Vogon Vogonblurtus first arose. On the monument there is carved an arrow which points away, into the fog, under which is inscribed in plain, simple letters the words \"The buck stops there.\"",
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      "text": "\"I'm afraid I can't comment on the name Rain God at this present time, and we are calling him an example of a Spontaneous Para-Causal Meteorological Phenomenon.\" \"Can you tell us what that means?\" \"I'm not altogether sure. Let's be straight here. If we find something we can't understand we like to call it something you can't understand, or indeed pronounce. I mean if we just let you go around calling him a Rain God, then that suggests that you know something we don't and I'm afraid we couldn't have that.\"",
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      "text": "The sign said: Hold stick near centre of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion. \"It seemed to me,\" said Wonko the Sane, \"that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a packet of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane.\"",
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      "text": "Eskimos had over two hundred different words for snow, without which their conversation would probably have got very monotonous. So they would distinguish between thin snow and thick snow, light snow and heavy snow, sludgy snow, brittle snow, snow that came in flurries, snow that came in drifts, snow that came in on the bottom of your neighbor's boots all over your nice clean igloo floor, the snows of winter, the snows of spring, the snows you remember from your childhood that were so much better than any of your modern snow, fine snow, feathery snow, hill snow, valley snow, snow that falls in the morning, snow that falls at night, snow that falls all of a sudden just when you were going out fishing, and snow that despite all your efforts to train them, the huskies have pissed on.",
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      "text": "\"So much time,\" it groaned, \"oh so much time. And pain as well, so much of that, and so much time to suffer it in too. One or the other on its own I could probably manage. It's the two together that really get me down.\"",
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      "text": "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.",
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      "text": "Ford: \"Life,\" he said, \"is like a grapefruit.\" Creature: \"Er, how so?\" Ford: \"Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.\"",
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      "text": "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ... says of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation products that \"it is very easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.\"",
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      "text": "There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ... Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.",
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      "text": "[The Guide] had some advice to offer on drunkenness. \"Go to it,\" it said, \"and good luck.\" It was cross-referenced to the entry concerning the size of the Universe and the ways of coping with that.",
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      "text": "\"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre,\" Ford muttered to himself, \"and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.\"",
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      "text": "\"I would like to say that it is a very great pleasure, honour and privilege for me to open this bridge, but I can't because my lying circuits are all out of commission.\"—Marvin",
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      "text": "\"Well, you're obviously being totally naive of course\", said the girl, \"When you've been in marketing as long as I have, you'll know that before any new product can be developed it has to be properly researched. We’ve got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.\" The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford. \"Stick it up your nose,\" he said. \"Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,\" insisted the girl, \"Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?\" \"And the wheel,\" said the Captain, \"What about this wheel thingy? It sounds a terribly interesting project.\" \"Ah,\" said the marketing girl, \"Well, we're having a little difficulty there.\" \"Difficulty?\" exclaimed Ford. \"Difficulty? What do you mean, difficulty? It's the single simplest machine in the entire Universe!\" The marketing girl soured him with a look. \"Alright, Mr. Wiseguy,\" she said, \"if you're so clever, you tell us what colour it should be.\"",
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      "text": "\"If,\" [\"the management consultant\"] said tersely, \"we could for a moment move on to the subject of fiscal policy...\" \"Fiscal policy!\" whooped Ford Prefect. “Fiscal policy!\" The management consultant gave him a look that only a lungfish could have copied. \"Fiscal policy...\" he repeated, \"that is what I said.\" \"How can you have money,\" demanded Ford, \"if none of you actually produces anything? It doesn't grow on trees you know.\" \"If you would allow me to continue.. .\" Ford nodded dejectedly. \"Thank you. Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich.\" Ford stared in disbelief at the crowd who were murmuring appreciatively at this and greedily fingering the wads of leaves with which their track suits were stuffed. “But we have also,” continued the management consultant, “run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying one ship's peanut.\" Murmurs of alarm came from the crowd. The management consultant waved them down. \"So in order to obviate this problem,\" he continued, \"and effectively revalue the leaf, we are about to embark on a massive defoliation campaign, and...er, burn down all the forests. I think you'll all agree that's a sensible move under the circumstances.\" The crowd seemed a little uncertain about this for a second or two until someone pointed out how much this would increase the value of the leaves in their pockets whereupon they let out whoops of delight and gave the management consultant a standing ovation. The accountants among them looked forward to a profitable autumn aloft and it got an appreciative round from the crowd.",
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      "text": "\"My capacity for happiness,\" he added, \"you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first.\" —Marvin",
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      "text": "\"How can I tell,\" said the man, \"that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?\"",
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      "text": "Time travel is increasingly regarded as a menace. History is being polluted.",
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      "text": "\"Well, I wish you'd just tell me rather than try to engage my enthusiasm,\" said Marvin, \"because I haven't got one.\"",
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      "text": "The Total Perspective Vortex derives its picture of the whole Universe on the principle of extrapolated matter analyses. To explain—since every piece of matter in the Universe is in some way affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation—every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake. The man who invented the Total Perspective Vortex did so basically in order to annoy his wife. Trin Tragula—for that was his name—was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot. And she would nag him incessantly about the utterly inordinate amount of time he spent staring out into space, or mulling over the mechanics of safety pins, or doing spectrographic analyses of pieces of fairy cake. \"Have some sense of proportion!\" she would say, sometimes as often as thirty-eight times in a single day. And so he built the Total Perspective Vortex—just to show her. And into one end he plugged the whole of reality as extrapolated from a piece of fairy cake, and into the other end he plugged his wife: so that when he turned it on she saw in one instant the whole infinity of creation and herself in relation to it. To Trin Tragula's horror, the shock completely annihilated her brain; but to his satisfaction he realized that he had proved conclusively that if life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion.",
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      "text": "The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.",
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      "text": "\"The first ten million years were the worst,\" said Marvin, \"and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.\"",
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      "text": "\"The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,\" continued Marvin. ...\"And that was with a coffee machine.\"",
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      "text": "\"I wonder who this ship belongs to anyway,\" said Arthur. \"Me,\" said Zaphod. \"No. Who it really belongs to.\" \"Really me,\" insisted Zaphod, \"look, property is theft, right? Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine, OK?\" \"Tell the ship that,\" said Arthur.",
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      "text": "It said: \"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. \"For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?\"",
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      "text": "[Zaphod] had seen the whole universe stretching to infinity around him—everything. And with it had come the clear and extraordinary knowledge that he was the most important thing in it. Having a conceited ego is one thing. Being told by a computer is another.",
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      "text": "The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them. To summarise: it is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarise the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarise the summary of the summary: people are a problem.",
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      "text": "\"What's up?\" \"I don't know,\" said Marvin, \"I've never been there.\"",
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      "text": "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.",
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      "text": "The trouble with most forms of transport, he thought, is basically one of them not being worth all the bother. On Earth—when there had been an Earth, before it was demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass—the problem had been with cars. The disadvantages involved in pulling lots of black sticky slime from out of the ground where it had been safely hidden out of harm's way, turning it into tar to cover the land with, smoke to fill the air with and pouring the rest into the sea, all seemed to outweigh the advantages of being able to get more quickly from one place to another—particularly when the place you arrived at had probably become, as a result of this, very similar to the place you had left, i.e. covered with tar, full of smoke and short of fish.",
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      "text": "\"Share and Enjoy\" is the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints division, which now covers the major land masses of three medium sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation to have shown a consistent profit in recent years.",
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      "text": "\"So, how are you?\" [Zaphod] said aloud. \"Oh, fine,\" said Marvin, \"if you happen to like being me, which personally I don't.\"",
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      "text": "It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.",
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      "text": "\"The Babel fish,\" said The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quietly, \"is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish. \"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindbogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. \"The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' \"'But,' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' \"'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. \"'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing. \"Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his bestselling book, Well That about Wraps It Up for God. \"Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.\"",
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      "text": "(Ford) \"you'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk.\" (Arthur) \"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?\" (Ford) \"Ask a glass of water.\"",
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      "text": "\"Sorry, did I say something wrong?\" said Marvin, dragging himself on regardless. \"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God I'm so depressed. Here's another one of those self-satisfied doors. Life! Don't talk to me about life.\"",
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      "text": "[S]uch generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy. Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand for this, partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sorts of parties.",
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      "text": "One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious, as in It's a nice day, or You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you alright? At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behaviour. If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working. After a while he abandoned this one as well as being obstructively cynical.",
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      "text": "One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.",
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      "text": "There’s no point in acting surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display at your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for 50 of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it’s far too late to start making a fuss about it now. ... What do you mean you’ve never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven’s sake, mankind, it’s only four light years away, you know. I’m sorry, but if you can’t be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that’s your own lookout. Energize the demolition beams.",
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      "text": "\"Vogon Constructor Fleets. Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy—not actually evil, but bad-tempered, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, queried, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. \"The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. \"On no account allow a Vogon to read poetry at you.\"",
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      "text": "In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.",
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      "text": "Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.",
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      "text": "Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think about it.",
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      "text": "Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o'clock in the morning, and he was very glad to see Rabbit getting out the plates and mugs; and when Rabbit said, \"Honey or condensed milk with your bread?\" he was so excited that he said, \"Both,\" and then, so as not to seem greedy, he added, \"But don't bother about the bread, please.\"",
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      "text": "\"Sometimes,\" I said, \"it seems to me that a friend might not take such pleasure in making fun of me as you do.\" \"Dear Odd! If one's friends do not openly laugh at him, they are not, in fact, his friends. How else would one learn to avoid saying those things that would elicit laughter from strangers? The mockery of friends is affectionate, and inoculates against foolishness.\"",
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      "text": "Dr. Bob managed so successfully to turn the answer to every question into a mini-lecture on self-esteem and positive thinking, that Ethan wanted Hazard to arrest him on charges of Felony Cliché and Practicing Philosophy Without An Idea.",
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      "text": "In fact I am such a nonentity by the standards of our culture that People magazine not only will never feature a piece about me but might also reject my attempts to subscribe to their publication on the grounds that the black-hole gravity of my noncelebrity is powerful enough to suck their entire enterprise into oblivion.",
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      "text": "\"Maybe Nina wouldn't have died if I hadn't moved in with them and drawn Sheener after me, but I can't feel guilty about that. I tried hard to be a good foster daughter to them, and they were happy with me. What happened was that life dropped a big custard pie on us, and that's not my fault; you can never see the custard pies coming. It's not good slapstick if you see the pie coming.\" \"Custard pie?\" he asked, perplexed. \"You see life as a slapstick comedy? Like the Three Stooges?\" \"Partly.\" \"Life is just a joke then?\" \"No. Life is serious and a joke at the same time.\" \"But how can that be?\" \"If you don't know,\" she said, \"maybe I should be the one asking the questions here.\"",
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      "text": "How can you hope to win against goddamn time travelers? It's like playing blackjack when the dealer is God. … Come to think of it, all of life is a blackjack game with God as the dealer, isn't it? So this is no worse.",
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      "text": "BERISH: I resigned from membership in God—I resigned from God. Let Him look for another innkeeper, let Him find another people, let Him push around another Jew—I’m through with Him! MARIA: Don’t you worry, Master. You say things, but God isn’t angry How could He be? He isn’t even listening.",
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      "text": "You're going to die a horrible death, remember. It's all good training, and you'll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced lifeforms, and they'll call you crazy.",
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      "text": "“From now on I'm thinking only of me.” Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: “But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way?” “Then,” said Yossarian, “I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?”",
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      "text": "It was a glorious game. Theft robbed of the stigma of theft, crime altruistically committed—what is more gratifying?",
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      "text": "Dr. Strangelove's humor is generated by a basic comic principle: People trying to be funny are never as funny as people trying to be serious and failing. The laughs have to seem forced on unwilling characters by the logic of events. A man wearing a funny hat is not funny. But if the man doesn't know he's wearing a funny hat--now you've got something. The characters in Dr. Strangelove do not know their hats are funny.",
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      "text": "People in the streets, that’s the only thing governments are afraid of. Well, or term limits. Or free elections! Or assassination. Or being laughed at, ah, ha-ha-ha!",
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      "text": "Anytime you have to threaten people to get them to laugh at your joke you have to consider it less than successful, okay?",
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      "text": "“It’s the same old story,” he said bitterly. “The resistance begins fighting itself, because that’s the only thing it can beat. Happens every time. You can’t get any movement larger than five people without including at least one fucking idiot.”",
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      "text": "“It’s kind of scary,” Art remarked to Nadia. “Win a revolution and a bunch of lawyers pop out of the woodwork.” “Always.”",
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      "text": "Sax shook his head. It was amazing how floridly elaborate a pseudoscience could get. A compensation technique, perhaps; a desperate attempt to be more like physics.",
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      "text": "“You just don’t have faith!” Frank repeated. ”Well I hope I never get it! It’s like being hit by a hammer in the head!”",
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      "text": "I have found it; I have discovered the cause of all the misfortunes which befell him. A public school, Joseph, was the cause of all the calamaties which he afterwards suffered. Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.",
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      "text": "\"I was saying precisely that to my wife this morning at breakfast.\" \"And what did she say?\" \"I think she said Yes dear, and went on making a list for her shopping. But that's beside the point…\"",
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      "text": "People who think of beds only in terms of sexual exercise or sleep simply do not understand that a bed is the best of all places for a philosophical discussion, an argument, and if necessary a showdown. It was not by chance that so many kings of old administered justice from their beds, and even today there is something splendidly parliamentary about an assembly of concerned persons in a bed.",
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      "text": "The letter was marked \"Urgent -- Print This At Once\". Wearily, Ridley laid it aside. This was, perhaps, the voice of the people, and the voice of the people, no editor is ever permitted to forget, is the voice of God. It was a pity, he reflected, that God's utterances needed such a lot of editorial revision.",
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      "text": "Pass the buck. It's the secret of life. You can't fight every battle and dry every tear. Whenever you're dealing with something that you don't really care about, pass the buck. You've got me to do your music; that's what you wanted, isn't it? Very well then, let Mrs Forrester clean up the mess.",
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      "text": "He was funny, or ironic, or whatever you want to call it, about the World of Wonders. We all know why people talk in that way; if we are amusing about our trials in the past, it is as if we say, \"See what I overcame - now I treat it as a joke - see how strong I have been and ask yourself if you could have overcome what I overcame?\"",
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      "text": "\"Can you tell me the time of the last complete show?\" \"You have the wrong number.\" \"Eh? Isn't this the Odeon?\" I decide to give a Burtonian answer. \"No, this is the Great Theatre of Life. Admission is free but the taxation is mortal. You come when you can, and leave when you must. The show is continuous. Good-night.\"",
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      "url": "https://www.leafyquotes.com/robert-a-heinlein/i-will-fear-no-evil/boats-and-ships",
      "text": "Boats and ships are female because they are beautiful, lovable, expensive—and unpredictable.",
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      "author": {
        "name": "Robert A. Heinlein",
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        "title": "I Will Fear No Evil",
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        "url": "https://www.leafyquotes.com/robert-a-heinlein/i-will-fear-no-evil"
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      "character": null,
      "chapter": null,
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      "page": 452,
      "verified": false,
      "original": null,
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      "topics": [
        {
          "name": "humor",
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        {
          "name": "women",
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        "license": {
          "label": "CC BY-SA 4.0",
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      "added_at": "2026-09-25T22:43:59"
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}