Mark Twain

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

"I wish I owned half of that dog."

"Why?" somebody asked.

"Because I would kill my half."

The group searched his face with curiosity, with anxiety even, but found no light there, no expression that they could read. They fell away from him as from something uncanny, and went into privacy to discuss him. One said:

"'Pears to be a fool."

"'Pears?" said another. "Is, I reckon you better say."

"Said he wished he owned half of the dog, the idiot," said a third. "What did he reckon would become of the other half if he killed his half? Do you reckon he thought it would live?"

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs one step at a time.

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" — a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1 — to tell him you have read one of his books; 2 — to tell him you have read all of his books; 3 — to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.

Tell the truth or trump — but get the trick.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Adam was but human — this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.