David Sedaris

Quotes

1. Her face was like the weather in one of those places with no discernible seasons.

   p. 107

2. 

   It was insulting to be told not to take too much of something you didn't really want in the first place.

   p. 7

3. 

   Because I was lazy, I'd adopted the philosophy that things just happen.

   p. 222

4. 

   She's afraid to tell me anything important, knowing I'll only turn around and write about it. In my mind, I'm like a friendly junkman, building things from the little pieces of scrap I find here and there, but my family's started to see things differently. Their personal lives are the so-called pieces of scrap I so casually pick up, and they're sick of it. More and more often their stories begin with the line "You have to swear you will never repeat this." I always promise, but it's generally understood that my word means nothing.

   p. 147

5. 

   'It is ironic that nudists are just about the last people you'd ever want to see naked.

   p. 339

6. 

   Because I'm both a glutton and a masochist, my standard complaint, "That was so bad", is always followed by "And there was so little of it!"

7. 

   I ain't seen pussy in so long I'd throw stones at it.

8. 

   'If I had one wish, I'd wish for an unlimited amount of wishes,' I said.

   She shook her head in a way that suggested she had heard this answer countless times before. 'Don't get greedy on me, Dave, you only get one wish.'

   p. 317

9. 

   They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgeable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.

10. 

    "It wouldn't have made any difference," my mother said. "A woman like that, the way she sees it she's a victim. Everyone against her, no matter what."

    p. 119

11. 

    It occurred to me that everything we buy has been poked or packaged by some unfortunate nitwit with a hairnet and a wad of cotton stuffed into his ears. Every ear of corn, every chocolate-coated raisin or shoelace. Every barbeque tong, paper hat, and store-bought mitten arrives with a history of abject misery. Vegetarians look at a pork roast thinking about the animal. I'd now look at them wondering whose job it was to package the shallow Styrofoam trays.

    p. 199

12. 

    In the coming years our father would continue to promise what he couldn't deliver, and in time we grew to think of him as an actor auditioning for the role of a benevolent millionaire. He'd never get the part but liked the way the words felt in his mouth.

    p. 28