Chuck Palahniuk

When you get famous, dinner isn't food anymore; it's twenty ounces of protein, ten ounces of carbohydrates, salt-free, fat-free, sugar-free fuel.

If your body is a temple, you can pile up too much deferred maintenance. If your body is a temple, mine was a real fixer-upper.

I told the agent, I figured I'd spend my first thousand years of Hell in some entry-level position, but after that I wanted to move into management. Be a real team player. Hell is going to see enormous growth in market share over the next millennium. I wanted to ride the crest.

The agent said that sounded pretty realistic.

You're going up and up and up and not getting anywhere. It's the illusion of progress. What you want to think is your salvation. What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.

What you forget when you're planning a hijack by yourself is somewhere along the line, you might need to neglect your hostages just long enough so you can use the bathroom.

Scratched on the bathroom stall, it says, Heaven, the words say, is all-you-can-eat pussy buffet.

Right now, me getting killed would be redundant.

You realize people take drugs because it's the only real personal adventure left to them in their time-constrained, law-and-order, property-lined world. It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling.

You can tell people the truth, but they'll never believe you until the event. Until it's too late. In the meantime, the truth will just piss them off and get you in a lot of trouble.

Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you reenlist.

Do I need to tell you that prison makes Sodom and Gomorrah look like Minneapolis and St. Paul by comparison?

Today is just one of those days the sun comes out to really humiliate you.