I want to fire the whole lot. Instantly. Out, out. No "District" commands, no golden bowlers, nothing. Out… — Alan Clark

I am confirmed in my opinion that it is hopeless here. All we can do is arm the Orangemen – to the teeth – and get out.

I fell into conversation with Douglas. His is a split personality. À deux he is delightful; clever, funny, observant, drily cynical. But get him anywhere near "display mode", particularly if there are officials around, and he might as well have a corncob up his arse. Pompous, trite, high-sounding, cautiously guarded.

I only can properly enjoy carol services if I am having an illicit affair with someone in the congregation. Why is this? Perhaps because they are essentially pagan, not Christian, celebrations.